


Citrus

by AllTimePhan73



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-10-02 04:06:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 31,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllTimePhan73/pseuds/AllTimePhan73
Summary: Who knew a cute boy you met in a bar could change your entire world?TW: Anxiey, psychological and physical abuse, depression, cheating, implied rape.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Lance's thoughts are, for the most part, incorrect. In this story, he has experienced psychological (as well as physical) abuse that lead to his judgement becoming clouded. He says things like he deserves the abuse and that he _needs_ the abuser but that is not true. This is just Lance's perception of the situation. Please read with caution as this book, as a whole, is really heavy with abuse and anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s my birthday!! Is there even a better time to start posting a new story?

"I can't do this anymore, Lance." It sounded so _final_. I stared at him with wide eyes, silently begging him to take back what he said. Was he going to break up with me for real that time? I needed him. I couldn't live without him and he never failed to remind me of that fact. He was standing so close to me that our chests were touching and I could feel his warm breath against my cheek. I had the undeniable urge to reach out, brush my fingertips against his cheek and beg him to never leave me. "Get out. I need space." I knew touching him would be a mistake. He needed time to cool down and I got that.

"But- But where do I go?" My voice was quivering and I was aware that it sounded pathetic. I was a fully grown adult and not a five-year-old. I should be strong with my words- _confident_ \- but, no, I sounded like a frightened child. Lotor was my everything and I couldn't risk losing him. I was nothing without him, as he reminded me on a day-to-day basis. My internal fear just came across very obviously externally.

"I don't give a shit. Wherever. Just don't come back until the morning. I- I need to think."

"Please don't leave me..."

"Just... go."

I opened my mouth to argue but decided against it. I didn't need a punishment, along with getting kicked out for a night. Arguing with Lotor wasn't allowed under any circumstance. I took my jacket from where it was hanging by the door before walking out into the cold air. I didn't even utter a farewell to Lotor because he had already slammed the door before I could even consider turning around.

It was a Thursday night in the middle of autumn so, naturally, by the time I got to the end of my road, I was shivering. I had no idea where I was going because I didn't have any friends or family who cared enough. Lotor had made me push them all away when we started dating. He said that he was the only person who I needed and who cared about me. I believed him.

I kicked a stray leaf up into the air, watching it fall back to the ground to be lost amongst the oranges and reds again. I really liked the way the leaves crunched beneath my boots and, in a way, it was calming. It was like some distorted lullaby that made me feel at ease. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. To stop a sob from rising in my throat, I closed my eyes and just focused.

What could I hear? Crunch. Beep. Tweet. Crunch. Crunch.

What could I see? Darkness. Colourful spots dancing around my eyelids to the music from the sun.

What could I feel? My denim jeans pockets against my numb hands. The thin material was the only thing protecting my hands from frostbite.

What could I smell? Not much. Vaguely coffee from the Starbucks that sat on the corner of North Street. It was Lotor's favourite coffee shop so we were practically regulars. They knew our orders by heart. Chai tea lattes with cinnamon on top. Occasionally I felt adventurous and got a hot chocolate but Lotor never let me get marshmallows and cream. His excuse was that I needed to watch my figure and didn't need all that sugar.

I glanced up at the traffic light, eyes focusing on the colour red. I crossed, secretly missing the leaves beneath my feet. It was around eleven at night- I couldn't tell exactly because Lotor had my phone- and the streets were deserted. Not a single soul lingered; the quiet embraced me like a hug. Other than the sounds of traffic, it was peaceful. I didn't need to power through any awkward interactions which was a bonus. I ended up at a pub and the stench of alcohol hit me like the wave of a tsunami.

It made my nose wrinkle slightly but, still, I pushed the doors open. It was buzzing inside, the life contrasting the death of the streets. I strode up to the counter and sat down on one of the tall bar stools. It felt like a scene from a movie, so cheesy that I half expected the bartender to start washing the side and ask me what was bothering me. Deciding I would postpone thinking about the consequences until the very last moment, I ordered their strongest shot. My tanned hands wrapped around the small glass, I pressed it to my lips and I necked it all at once.

It was sharp and burned as it travelled down my throat but I liked it. The burn was refreshing against the numbness I had been feeling previously. Two shots. Three. Four. Someone sat beside me, their lips forming a smirk. He was really cute but that may have been the alcohol in my system speaking.

He had what looked like a mullet, his dark hair contrasting his pale, white skin. His grey eyes stood out and he was wearing a red jacket that suited him so perfectly that I wondered if it had been designed solely for him. "Are you from Tennessee because you're the only ten I see!" He exclaimed loudly and I found myself chuckling at what was just a crappy pick up line.

"No," I responded amidst my laughing fit. "I'm actually from Cuba."

"That's cute. Can I buy you a drink?"

Lotor wasn't with me to make up my mind for me. That meant I could say whatever I wanted and he would have no idea. Suddenly feeling rebellious, I nodded. "Go for it." Mullet-Man ordered us two more shots and the bartender pushed the two glasses towards us. Mullet-Man sounded like the name of a superhero but what would his power be? Drop dead gorgeous looks that literally made the enemy drop dead? That sounded appropriate.

"I'm Keith."

I downed my shot, gasping as I slammed the glass down against the counter. "Lance."

"Another?"

"Hell yeah. I need as many shots as I can get." Keith nodded and we took another shot. Another. Another.

I got drunk relatively fast. Keith was just as intoxicated as me, if not even more. I giggled as I attempted to stand up but instead fell into Keith's arms. "We should go home..." He mumbled, linking his arm with mine.

"I don't have anywhere to go."

"Are you serious? Come back with me."

"Okay." Maybe it was dumb to follow a random stranger back to their house at almost midnight (or whatever the time was) but drunk-me wasn't aware of that. I just followed Keith down a bunch of streets I hardly recognised as all the houses blurred together in my memory. The entire walk we were laughing about absolutely nothing and we were stumbling, just so our intoxicated states were obvious to the entire world.

As soon as he unlocked his door, I was shoved up against the wall with his lips pressed against mine. His hands were tangled in my hair whilst my arms were wrapped around his neck. He grabbed my arm and dragged me up the stairs which was unsurprisingly difficult, considering how fuzzy everything was. He separated the kiss for a second to take a deep breath before lightly pushing me down onto his mattress and kissing me again.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up, disorientated. It took me a moment to realise the bed I was in was slightly harder than the one I had at home but, once I did realise, I scrambled up. I almost fell in the process, getting my legs caught up in the covers. The other person in the bed decided to make themselves known by mumbling a tiny, "Hey," and attempting to pull the covers back up.

My eyes widened as I watched them turn over to go back to sleep. I vaguely remembered him introducing himself as Keith but everything onwards from that point was a fuzzy mess. I found my shirt, loosely thrown over his desk chair. With trembling hands, I pulled it over my head and let it fall against my chest. As I was putting my jeans on, Keith began to stir again. His eyes opened all of a sudden and then he was scrambling to sit up too. "Fuck." He muttered, staring right at me. Luckily, I had had enough time to get my jeans on.

"What can you remember?" I asked, keeping my volume low. I wasn't sure if I wanted to remember. I had a boyfriend back at home who would probably murder me if he found out I had had a one night stand with a complete stranger. Sadly, all the signs pointed to such a conclusion.

"We had sex."

My face darkened and I dropped my gaze to my bare feet. Even though I had expected it, it still caught me off guard. "We were _drunk_."

"I know that but it didn't mean anything, alright? You seemed upset about something and it was just our... our fucked up way of distracting ourselves."

"Yeah..." I avoided his gaze by looking at my lap. He had the covers wrapped around his bottom half, leaving most of his chest exposed but I refused to look. It almost felt like disrespecting his privacy; even if I had seen it all last night. "What time is it?" Keith leaned over and pressed the home button on his iPhone. As he did so, the cover slipped lower.

"Around eleven. You should probably go."

"I should."

-

Lotor was going to kill me if he found out that I had slept with another man. My head was pounding like an unnecessarily loud drum as I speed-walked down the streets. At moments, the world spun around me but, after a few blinks, it seemed to settle down. I wasn't entirely sure of where I was going but eventually I found the familiar Starbucks that I could walk home from. The coffee shop was full of people, contrasting the dead streets. The whiff of coffee hit me as I passed it and turned to the right.

I shoved my hands into my pockets to keep them warm. I slowed down my pace just to prolong the moment I was reunited with Lotor. I could imagine his anger; I wouldn't have blamed him if he broke up with me then. By the time I got to my apartment and knocked on the door, I thought I was going to puke. I didn't exactly have my own key so I had to wait for Lotor to open the door for me.

When he did, I didn't make eye contact. "Where did you go?" He asked in a low voice, hands grabbing my wrist and pulling me inside. He closed the door behind us- perhaps a little too harshly.

"Just a friend's..." I responded. He can't have liked the response because he let go of my wrist and shoved me backwards.

"I thought I told you to stop talking to them. You know how they feel about you."

"I had nowhere else to go. Did you expect me to sleep on the streets?"

"Of course I didn't. I just don't want you seeing your supposed 'friends'." He made quotation marks with his hands as he said the word 'friends' which hurt but I knew what he meant. They wanted to use me and hurt me. I wasn't allowed to see them because of that. I understood so I let Lotor remind me of that and punish me if I argued. "I'm sorry for kicking you out so late."

"It's fine." I had learnt that everything Lotor did or said was fine. If I argued, it would just earn me a punishment in the form of a slap or harsh words. If it was really bad, Lotor would take away my privileges.

"I really did need the space though. I thought about our relationship, Lance." He placed his large hand onto my shoulder. My eyes moved sideways to wearily glance at it.

"Are you going to break up with me?" My voice was wobbly and pathetic but for good reason. I couldn't live without Lotor. I needed him. He was the only person who would ever love me.

"No. I wouldn't do that, love. I just think you need to learn how to behave properly and treat me right."

"I'll do anything, I swear!"

Lotor smirked; probably because he had me trained like a dog. "Good because I'm going to keep your phone for longer and I don't want you to leave the house, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for being so cooperative. This is how a relationship should really work." He cupped my chin and lifted it up slightly so I was forced to meet his eyes. "Remember that I have control. You're below me and, if you try to argue otherwise, I can break up with you in seconds. You need me." I nodded because _everything he said was true_.


	3. Chapter 3

Whilst I was stuck at home, Lotor was at work. I wasn't allowed out so I had cleaned the apartment thrice over. I had flicked through Netflix but nothing had sparked my interest. I was tempted to binge watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine but Hunk had been the one to recommend it to me before Lotor had come into my life. I didn't want to bring up old memories of friends who never even cared about me.

I ended up just collapsing onto the sofa. I stared up at the boring ceiling, emptiness swirling around in the pit of my chest. I wasn't sure what Lotor expected me to do to pass time if he didn't let me step outside of the apartment. I had asked him if I could get a job too- even just a small part-time job at the local Starbucks or something but he wouldn't let me. He said he didn't want me to meet more people who would just hurt me and he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible.

I shut my eyes but, as soon as I did, a knock sounded through the apartment. I knew Lotor didn't like visitors unless they were his friends but my curiosity outweighed my worry. I got up onto my feet, grabbing the spare key I knew Lotor hid in one of the draws. I unlocked the door and opened it just enough to peak outside. One of my old friends was standing on the doorstep, nibbling on the tips of his nails. "Hunk?" The name fell through my lips before I could even think about it. I pushed the door open further so he could see me.

"Lance, you're okay!" He exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug. I just stiffened and refused to wrap my arms around him. I did, however, bury my head into his shoulder, just to breathe his sweet smell. He smelt almost like apples. He always had, ever since we were kids and it had once made me feel at home. I pulled back before I could get thrown into a false sense of security. Hunk didn't care. Hunk hated me. "I was just passing by and thought I'd check in on you since you've been ignoring my messages for like a year or something."

"Oh... sorry about that."

"What happened? Why did my best friend suddenly disappear?"

I dropped my gaze to our feet, ashamed all of a sudden. "I got a new phone." It wasn't a lie. After Lotor and I had dated for a while, he had dropped my phone onto some concrete outside our house and completely killed it. He bought me a new one and so I lost all of the numbers I had once had in my contacts, including Hunk's and my family's (I could remember my family's home phone number by heart though).

"Do you want my number again? Is this the only reason I haven't seen you in so long?"

I backed up out of instinct, shaking my head. "Lotor told me that you didn't like me anymore and I know you don't. It's just better if we don't talk anymore."

The way Hunk's face fell was almost like an exaggerated emotion by a bad actor in a movie scene. His lips curved into the biggest frown I had ever seen and his eyebrows furrowed so that they touched the tip of his eyes. "I do like you. How could I not? You're my best-"

"I think you should go." I went to close the door but he moved so he was in the way.

"I can't just leave you. I haven't seen you in ages... I'm really worried."

"You don't need to be. I'm fine." I stared at him, my wide eyes practically begging him to get out of the way but he remained still. He reached out and his fingers grazed my arm. I flinched back and he swallowed thickly, unsure of how to react to that.

"Is... Is Lotor treating you okay?"

"Of course he is, Hunk. Just mind your own business and leave me alone."

"I'm always here for you, remember that. No matter how much you push me away, I won't stop caring. You can come over whenever you want, alright?"

I nodded just so he would leave me alone. "Bye Hunk." He backed up, looking like he was about to say something else but I didn't give him the chance. I shut the door and pressed my back against it, my breathing heavy.

-

"What did you do whilst I was gone?" Lotor was watching me as if he knew I had opened the door and broken a rule. We were sat down on the sofa, Lotor's hand sat on my thigh. His other arm was wrapped around me and it tensed up when I didn't reply. "Lance, tell me."

I was shaking and I hadn't even told him yet. The hand that was once on my thigh moved to my wrist, gripping me so harshly that it had the potential to leave bruises. I swallowed thickly, refusing to look him in the eye. "Someone knocked on the door and I opened it." I murmured ever so quietly. Lotor stood up and jerked me up with him by my wrist. "But it was only some advertisers, I swear-"

"You're lying," Lotor grabbed a fistful of my shirt and shoved me backwards. "Who was it?"

"It was Hunk..."

Lotor's face fell dramatically and his grip on my shirt faltered for a second before strengthening again. "What have I told you about your old friends? They hate you, Lance. Never open the door to anybody."

"I know, I know! I'm sorry!" Lotor had much more muscle than me so he picked me up and slammed me into the wall with ease. I cried out loudly but tears were yet to escape.

"How am I supposed to punish you now? You already don't have a phone and you aren't allowed out. Are you trying to get me to break up with you?"

"No. Please don't..." Lotor emitted a noise that sounded borderline animal growl as he raised his fist. Bracing myself for the impact, I squeezed my eyes shut.

My nose was dripping with blood and it was mixing with the river of tears escaping my eyes. "Lance, I'm sorry but you deserve this. I don't know how else to punish you."

"I know, I'm really sorry. I was just so bored and- and I didn't think about it."

"Next time you will think about it, yeah?"

"Y-Yes Lotor." His smile bursting to the brim with pride made all the pain worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

"My friends will be here in ten minutes, alright?" Lotor brushed his arm down my front to ensure my shirt was up to his level of quality. He brought a hand through my fringe, smiling as it fell back against my face. Sending him a wobbly smile, I sat down on the sofa and he did the same. "You need to do what they say and, if you don't, you will be punished. You're below everybody and you will only speak if you have to."

I hung my head a little but nodded. We had done it before so I knew my place. I knew that I was going to be deprived of all things that made me human and nightmares would plague me for the foreseeable future. I _hated_ seeing Lotor's friends but I had to to prove my love to him.

Wrapping an arm around me, Lotor pulled me closer. I had my head buried into his side whilst he rubbed my arm. We elapsed into silence until we heard someone knock on the door. "Remember the rules, love." Lotor murmured before placing a soft kiss on my cheek. I smiled and nodded, keeping my lips pursed so I didn't speak out of turn.

When Lotor returned, three men were trailing behind him. I recognised two of them from before- their names were Roger and Boris- but the third wasn't anybody I had met before. He was taller than the others and had larger muscles too. He was watching me closely but I was avoiding his gaze as much as I could. "This is Lance," Lotor said, pointing at me. I lifted my arm to wave because I knew I was only meant to speak when it was absolutely necessary. "Lance, you know Roger and Boris and this is Damien. Do you want drinks?"

"Do you have any beer?"

-

Despite having to fetch the cans whenever they wanted more, I didn't know how much alcohol they had consumed. I wasn't allowed any so I just had a single glass of water to sip at for the entire night.

Damien was the one getting closer to me. He had edged up right beside me so that our thighs were touching, his stench of alcohol hitting me hard. Lotor told me to just let his friends do whatever they wanted, even if I didn't want to. I had to just to show how much I loved him. Reaching up and cupping my chin, Damien said, "He's kind of cute, isn't he?"

"He's adorable and quite good. I'm lucky to have him really." Lotor responded. My face practically glowed at the compliment and it made how uncomfortable I was almost worth it. Damien leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my cheek, making me stiffen up.

Lotor placed a hand on my knee, rubbing it ever so slightly. "You love me, don't you Lance? You need to prove it by letting Damien touch you."

"Yes-" I started before realising my mistake and regretting the word. Lotor lifted up his hand and slapped me across the cheek. I hung my head but Damien pushed it back up. He forced me to look into his eyes- his dark, threatening eyes- before reaching for the bottom of my shirt. I whimpered.

"Are you scared?"

"I- I-" I started but Damien put his large hand over my mouth so I couldn't finish. Pulling the bottom of my shirt upwards, he hushed me.

-

"I'm proud of you, Lance. You were really good today." I had my head balanced on Lotor's chest as he twirled my hair around his fingers. I had tear tracks on my face but the crying had long since been over. After Damien and the rest of his friends had left, I had broken down so much that Lotor had been forced to cuddle me. His gentle touches were calming compared to the rough hands all over me.

"I'm sorry that I spoke out of turn..." I whispered, staring out in front of me.

"Hey, it's alright, love. You did everything Damien told you to do and I'm really proud of you for that. You deserve a reward for that."

"I- I do?"

Lotor brushed a piece of hair out of my face before wiping away some of my tears. "Yeah. You can go outside whilst I'm at work again. You must be back before I'm home though."

A smile tugged at my chapped lips. "Thank you, Lotor." I hated being at home without anything to do so I considered being allowed out during the day an actual blessing.

"It's alright, love. You deserve it for being so good."


	5. Chapter 5

I was walking down the street on a dull winter's day. I had my large, fluffy coat wrapped around me and black gloves covering my tanned hands. My tartan scarf was wrapped loosely around my neck and, every time I breathed, I could see it rise into the air. I had stolen some loose coins from Lotor's desk, ones I knew he wouldn't miss. He didn't ever let me have money so I had to be sneaky about it.

As I was walking down the street, I heard a baby screaming their tiny lungs off. I glanced around at the noise to see a small woman hunched over a buggy, hushing the child. She ended up picking them up and rocking them in her arms. The baby was in a penguin onesie with little mittens on their hands. It was the cutest thing.

I ended up at a coffee shop. It had a bright, multi-coloured sign hanging above the entrance with the words ' _Lion Coffee: Coffee With A Roar_ ' on it. After peering inside, I noticed it wasn't anywhere near as busy as the Starbucks on North Street that Lotor loved. It looked like a quiet, independent shop. I pushed open the front door with my gloved hands and a bell jingled above me. The sound made me jump ever so slightly.

There was a man behind the counter with a rag, washing the sides. He was tall and rather built up, a flash of white dyed into the front of his hair. He was wearing a black button up shirt and, once I got closer, I noticed it had a lion logo sewed on it, just below his large shoulder. The shirt was rolled up to his elbows and a long scar was spread across the bridge of his nose.

I turned my attention to a couple sat by the window, sharing a hot chocolate. It had masses of cream piled on top of it and three large marshmallows. Lotor would have sneered at them and muttered about how they wouldn't last. How relationships weren't built on love but control and understanding. At the beginning, I would have disagreed but I knew better by then.

The girl had a bob that sat nicely on her shoulders. Her shirt was oversized and it had Jake from Adventure Time on it. A smile brightened up her face as she leant forward and took a sip of the drink. The man opposite her, presumably her boyfriend, was wearing a hoodie and had a large coat draped over his chair. He had his head leant on his dark hands as his eyes bored into the girl's.

"Are you alright, Sir?" The person behind the counter asked, making me jolt my head around. Redness spread across my cheeks as I realised I had been staring at the couple.

"Yeah, sorry. Can I- uh..." I thinned my eyes as I scanned the board above the counter with the menu on. All the drinks had names such as "crater's chai latte" or "lacerta's latte" and I had no idea what it meant but it was cute. "Can I have the hydra's hot chocolate, please?"

"Marshmallows and cream?"

"Pardon?" I stared at him as if he was crazy. My mouth fell open ever so slightly and my eyebrows furrowed. Lotor would never get me marshmallows or cream so I hadn't expected to be asked for my opinion. "Oh... yes please." I dropped the coins into his open palm and he counted them slowly before handing two twenty and ten pieces back.

I sat down on one of the seats by the counter, my legs dangling down. The man turned away to start making the drink whilst I watched. He clearly knew what he was doing because his arms were moving like lightning and, within about a minute, he had made the drink and slid it in my direction. I instantaneously wrapped my hands around it to heat them up. Even though I had been wearing gloves, my hands were still bright red from the cold.

"Hey, Shiro. I'm just here for my shi- Lance?" I turned at the mention of my name and tensed up as I realised who had spoken. Urging the ground to swallow me up, I tried my hardest not to make eye contact with Keith, the guy who I had had a one night stand with.

"I should go." I mumbled, standing up and being fully prepared to leave the drink.

"No, you can stay. I think we should talk anyway."

I numbly nodded as Keith walked behind the counter. His shirt was red so he stood out much more than Shiro. Keith leant his head on his arms, staring up at me expectantly. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I can't stop thinking about you." As soon as the words escaped his lips, my stomach did a back flip. My mouth fell open as I stared at him in complete awe. I had expected he would walk away from the one night stand and completely forget about my existence. I hadn't thought about him much at all.

"You... what?"

"I can't stop thinking about you." He repeated, as if I just hadn't heard him. I most certainly had. It just didn't make any sense: why would someone like Keith think about someone like me? Nobody loved me except my boyfriend whilst Keith probably had people lined up to date him. He was so much better than me in every single way.

"Keith... it was a one night stand. It didn't mean anything." The more I spoke, the more panicked I felt. I couldn't start getting involved with another guy when I had a boyfriend at home. Lotor would kill me if he knew I had even talked to somebody.

"I know but- but you're just... really cool. I really feel we hit it off that night. With my stupid pick up line and you coming home with me and stuff. I want to see you again. Do you want to go out together sometime?"

"I can't... I- I-" Keith was watching me with raised eyebrows, waiting for my excuse. "I have a boyfriend!"

"You what?!" He looked so taken aback that he backed up a little. I sipped at my hot chocolate before wiping the cream away from my lips.

"I have a boyfriend. I _cheated_ on him with you after I had an argument with him. I fucked up so bad." Keith was literally speechless. His mouth kept opening and closing again, reflecting his shock. "I know."

"Does he know?"

"No and I really can't let him find out. He'd kill me."

"I'm sorry I asked you out again... I'd still like it if we were friends though?"

"I- I- no. Sorry."

"Why not?"

"I can't have friends... I don't- don't deserve them."

"Uh... yeah you do?" I shook my head slowly and Keith's eyebrows noticeably furrowed. "Why wouldn't you deserve them?"

"No one likes me."

"Shut up. I've known you five minutes and I already think you're awesome."

"You're just being nice... I'd like it if you left me alone."

"Okay, but," Keith picked up a napkin off of the pile on the counter and scribbled something on top of it. "If you change your mind."

"Thanks." I took the napkin and shoved it into my pocket with every intent to trash it as soon as I got home.


	6. Chapter 6

I forgot about the number and it came back to haunt me. Lotor walked into the living room with the napkin in one hand and my jacket in the other. "What's this?" He questioned with a soft tone, holding out the number for me to see. The digits were clear in the marker pen.

"Someone gave it to me and I forgot to throw it away." I answered honestly.

"You forgot?"

"Yeah- Yeah. He was insistent and I felt rude saying no. I thought I'd throw it away when I got home but completely forgot about it." I was rambling as I backed up into the wall. Lotor was so close to me that I could feel his warm breath against my face and, to say it was threatening would have been an understatement.

"Did you plan on cheating on me?"

"No, no. I love you a lot, Lotor. I just-" I let out a pathetic squeak as Lotor slapped me. I tensed up as his face got even closer to mine. I could just about make out the thin, wispy hairs on the bottom of his face.

"Do you need to be reminded of who you belong to?"

I knew what that meant all too well. I couldn't go through it again. "I swear it wasn't-"

"Answer my question, Lance." My wide, blue eyes were darting everywhere but my boyfriend's face because I couldn't bear seeing the intimidating looks.

"N-No."

"Well I think you do." Lotor wrapped his hand around my wrist and roughly pulled me upstairs. His grip was rough and was guaranteed to leave nasty bruises. "I'm sorry, Lance but I need to do this."

-

I laid in bed, fixated on the patterns spread out across the ceiling. My eyes were tracing the lines, desperately searching for something meaningful amongst the blandness. When I was a kid, I used to imagine wild shapes like lions or flowers but I was too old for that. I couldn't find anything. I rolled over to face the walls, realising I was completely alone on the bed. The covers were wrapped around me tightly and I never wanted to escape the warm cocoon but I was eventually going to have to.

I threw the blankets off of my body, instantaneously being hit with the chill of the air. I gritted my teeth and reached into my draws to find something warmer to put on. I settled on a thick hoodie and jeans before taking them into the bathroom. I dropped them onto the floor beneath the towel rack and turned the shower onto a setting that was probably a tad bit too hot but I didn't care. I stepped underneath the water, completely engulfed by the steam.

I felt so numb. Even with hot water stinging my body, I felt numb. It should have been painful but, instead, it created an unfamiliar sense of relief. I couldn't stop picturing Lotor as he ran his hands up my body and I just had to take it. I squeezed my eyes shut, pausing with massaging the shampoo into my scalp as I tried my hardest not to cry. It was my fault that Lotor had touched me like that. I had gotten some guy's number and forgot to get rid of it. Of course he wouldn't be happy. If anything, I got let off lightly: I mean, I only had one bruise that covered part of my cheek and a few bruises on my stomach. I wasn't exactly on my death bed.

I stepped back out onto the floor, wrapping a navy blue towel around me. I ran a hand through my messy hair with the hope of flattening it down a bit. I dried myself off as slowly as possible.

-

I slipped my hand into the pocket of one of Lotor's jackets in search for some coins but couldn't find anything apart from a couple of ten pence pieces. I pocketed them, even though they wouldn't even buy me a single marshmallow. We had a little tray of change on the side in the kitchen but I had drained it of most of the valuable coins for the hot chocolate earlier in the week. I sifted through it but it was mostly pennies. One pence. Two pence. I hit the jackpot when I found a single pound coin. I had already collected a handful of tens so I probably just about had enough money for a drink.

I glanced up at the clock on the wall. The hour hand was pointing to five and the minute to eleven. I still had around six hours until Lotor got home so I had plenty of time to go to the coffee shop.

-

As much as I was telling myself I didn't want to see Keith again, I couldn't deny how good the hot chocolate had been last time. That was how I ended up hearing the ding of the bell above me as I walked into the Lion Coffee shop again. The strong scent of coffee hit my nose and I inhaled gently, taking it all in. Shiro was behind the counter, preparing something for a customer. "Are you looking for Keith? His shift starts in about ten minutes." He asked. My cheeks heated up a little as I shook my head. "Okay. What would you like then?"

I decided to go for something different that time. "A scorpius's strawberry milkshake please."

"That will be £2.10." Shiro smiled widely as he held out his palm. I counted the coins myself until I had made the exact amount. "Coming right up." He turned around to prepare the milkshake. A couple of minutes later, he placed it down in front of me and it looked Amazing (capital letter intended). It was bright pink and the whipped cream was like a mountain on top with a striped straw through its middle. I took a long sip and it was ice cold as it travelled down my throat.

"It's really good."

"I don't like strawberry but it's Keith's favourite." I nodded, taking another sip. "So you and Keith? How'd you meet?"

"You don't want to know, trust me."

Shiro let out a loud laugh, throwing his head back as he did so. "Knowing Keith, it was probably in jail or something."

"Well it wasn't quite jail but it was still bad."

"Now you have to tell me! I'm so curious it might kill me."

I didn't respond whilst I drank some more. Shiro had leant forward a substantial amount, one eyebrow quirked upwards as he waited for my response. "We met at a bar."

"That's not so bad?"

"Oh it is when you're both absolutely hammered and one's hitting on the other."

"That's fantastic. How incredibly romantic."

"I know..." I stared into the whipped cream as if it was trying to speak to me or something. Of course it wasn't but it was a reasonable excuse to avoid Shiro's gaze. "You know we aren't together, right?"

"Oh," It was Shiro's turn to look in a different direction. "I thought- Keith made it seem-"

"We aren't. I have a boyfriend."

"My bad. I'm sorry for assuming."

"It's alright." We lapsed into an awkward quiet. I drummed the tips of my fingers against the counter just so it wasn't completely silent.

"You know he's seemed so down lately." I lifted my head up to discreetly ask him to elaborate without actually saying the words. "Apparently he gave you his number last time you saw each other and you never texted him or something? He thinks you hate him."

"I don't hate him..." I mumbled, letting out a heavy sigh. "I just don't have my phone right now."

"How come? Did you break it or something?"

"Yeah... something like that." Before Shiro could question me further, the bell above the door chimed. We both turned to watch Keith walk in, running a hand through his hair and wiping his boots on the doormat. Once he noticed me, his eyes widened and he looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

"Hey... sorry for not texting you. I haven't had my phone." Keith nodded in response, switching places with Shiro behind the counter. Shiro said his farewells before leaving Keith and I alone (with a couple of other customers).

"No worries." He flashed an attractive smile, his white teeth practically glowing in the light. I didn't understand how one person's teeth could be the colour of the purest white. Like an angel's wings. "How've you been?" I shrugged, fixing my gaze back to my cup. It wasn't even that interesting but my eyes picked into the fact that the whipped cream was beginning to melt and seep into the pink. "Talk to me, Lance. We're friends now and you can trust me, alright?"

"It's just my boyfriend," I kept my voice low, paranoid other people were listening to us. I knew it was more likely that no one around us even cared but there was still a chance someone would tell Lotor. Lotor really didn't like it when I talked about him behind his back. "He didn't react well to you giving me your number."

"I'm so sorry. What did he do?"

_Hands everywhere. Rough. Pain. Words. I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. Hands. Rough. Pain. Deserve it. Handsroughpaindeserveit._

"Lance?" Keith's voice snapped out of whatever trance I had fallen into. My breathing had picked up a noticeable amount but Keith's hand had found its way to my back, beginning to rub in slow circles.

"I should go." I could see the worry on Keith's face. How his blue eyes became cloudy and widened. How his eyebrows creased. How his lips pursed as if he was worried he'd say the wrong thing and scare me off.

"But you haven't finished your milkshake?" I felt too nauseated to drink the sugary beverage so I raced out of the coffee shop, abandoning half of it.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey, love." Lotor said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer. I leaned my head on his shoulder but was undoubtedly stiff against him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." I mumbled. Lotor leaned forward and switched of the television: a sign that things were about to get serious. I gulped, terrified of what was going to come.

"What have I told you about lying?"

"You told me not to do it or I will get punished."

"Yeah... so why are you lying, love?" Lotor cupped my chin, his hands like silk. I refused to meet his eyes because tears were collecting in mine and I didn't want him to notice.

"Because you hurt me, Lotor. Last night I- I didn't want you to do that. I said I was sorry and you should have trusted that I wouldn't treat. You didn't need to-"

"I did need to." Lotor placed his hand on my thigh and I immediately tensed up, becoming as stiff as a statue. I tried to move away but Lotor grabbed onto my arm. "You need to learn what's right and what's wrong. I love you, Lance but you aren't allowed to leave me... Do you want me to do it again so you can properly learn the lesson?"

I choked out a loud sob, expression filled with desperation. "Please don't. I understand. I won't do it again and- and I'll be good."

"Do you promise?" One of his hands travelled higher up my thigh and my breath hitched. I jerked my arm way from his grasp, jumping up onto my feet. I backed up, holding out my arms in defence. Lotor was watching my every move, waiting for me to slip up so he could-

_Hands everywhere. Rough. Pain. Words. I deserved it. I deserved it. I deserved it. Hands. Rough. Pain. Panic. Can't breathe. I deserved it. I deserve it all. Roughpainwordspanichands._

"What has been wrong with you lately, Lance? You aren't the same person I started dating." I backed up even further until my back was right up against the wall. His words were running around my mind so much that I felt dizzy and had to place one of my hands on the nearby bookcase to keep me steady. He was standing up and getting closer and closer. Closer. Closer. Closer. My heart was beating so first and I wondered if I was going to puke. "You've become so weak and pathetic. I should just break up with you now."

"Stop." I mumbled but it was more an exhale of breath rather than actual words.

"If this continues, I'm going to break up with you and throw you out onto the street. What would you do then? Your friends hate you, Lance. You don't have anyone except me. I am the only person who will ever love you."

"Stop!" I screamed, my hands flying to my ears to drown him out. I let out a loud sob, my knees buckling as I did so.

_Useless. Weak. Pathetic. Hated. Alone. Useless. Weak. Pathetic. Hated. Alone. Uselessweakpathetichatedalone. I can't breathe. I'm going to suffocate. I'm going to die. Maybe that's a good thing? I need to escape. I'm going to suffocate._

"Snap out of it for fuck's sake!" Lotor yelled and it most certainly did not help. My breathing was rapid and raged and the world was beginning to dance in circles around me. Lotor had become a blurry figure in front of me so I couldn't read his face. I needed to get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. "Lance, Lance, listen to me. You're safe here, alright? Please breathe properly."

"Leave me alone. I- I can't breathe." I buried my head into my hands just so I didn't have to see the blurry mess the world had become. I counted each breath. _Inhale. Exhale. One. Inhale. Exhale. Two. Inhale. Exhale. Three. Four. Five._

"You can have your phone back, Lance. I'm so.. so sorry."

"It's okay. Can you just... give me some space?"

"Of course." I still didn't look up but I heard Lotor reluctantly leave. I was a stranded, broken mess on the floor.

-

A couple of hours passed before I was completely calm again. Lotor had been really nice about my panic attack and had put on a movie for us. He had also given me my phone back with strict rules: I could only message him and he had a right to go through my phone whenever he wanted. I thought that was fairer than not having a phone at all so agreed.

We were cuddled up on the sofa, watching The Maze Runner. It was one of my favourite movies and I knew Lotor loved it too. I had my head in his lap as he twirled my hair around his fingers. It was really soothing, especially when I closed my eyes. I ended up not paying much attention to the movie but, instead, focusing on Lotor's hands. I had seen The Maze Runner so many times that it didn't really matter that I didn't watch it properly.

"Who's your favourite character?" Lotor asked out of the blue. I opened my eyes for a second to see Newt and Thomas conversing about something.

"I don't know... Newt?"

"Thomas is way better."

"How basic of you." Thomas was the main character so it _was_ awfully basic of Lotor to choose him; almost a cop out.

Lotor chuckled softly. When I heard his genuine, sweet laugh, it reminded me of why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. If I skipped over all of the harsh punishments, he was actually a wonderful person to hang out with. He could easily make me laugh and smile and his cuddles had become a second home to me. "I am not basic."

"Yeah you are," I murmured, voice barely there. I was on the verge of falling asleep as my eyes lulled shut again. "But I love it."

"Of course you do." Lotor smiled down at me, brushing my hair away from my eyes. I flickered my eyes open again and met Lotor's. My heart fluttered like it used to when I had only just met him. Before everything had become control, control, _control_. "I love you too, love."


	8. Chapter 8

On Saturday, Lotor suggested going out to get coffee. I didn't really fancy it since I had already gone out for a drink twice that week but he didn't know that. I nodded, pulling my jacket over my shoulders as Lotor did the same. "Are we going to Starbucks?" I asked, my voice small. Lotor simply shrugged, holding the door open so I could walk out.

"We could go somewhere different if you want. Do you know anywhere?" Keith's coffee shop popped into mind but I shook it out immediately. There was no way I wanted to tell Lotor about it: he'd kill me if he found out I had been hanging out with another guy. I wasn't cheating (if you ignored the one night stand) but Lotor just didn't like me talking to other people in general. "I guess we could just walk and see where we end up?"

"Sounds good." Lotor slipped his hand into mine and we started to walk down the drive. My hand was tiny inside his but it added a sense of security. Almost like a warm blanket draped around my shoulders like some shield from the cold. "You know that panic attack you had yesterday?" I tensed up, not expecting him to bring it up again.

Bringing the hand that wasn't holding Lotor's through my hair, I murmured, "Yeah..."

"Are you feeling better? Any less anxious?"

"Yeah, a lot better actually. The movie night helped a lot. I kind of just want to spend more time with you, you know?"

"As if living with me isn't enough." He chuckled so I knew he was joking. Sometimes it was hard to tell. "You can always ask and I can take you out somewhere."

"I know but I feel annoying when I ask."

"You shouldn't." He squeezed my hand and sent me a small smile. I had almost forgotten how beautiful his smile was. "I think you deserve a treat today."

"I don't want anything." Lotor's hand fell from my grip and he froze on the spot. Staring as if he was trying to pick apart the puzzle that was me, his eyebrows deeply furrowed. A glint came across his eyes that almost looked like fury but I couldn't quite place my finger on it.

"Lance, I'm putting effort into taking you out. You need to have something or I won't take you out like this again."

"O-Okay." As if the anger had never been there, Lotor grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the town.

-

"How about here?" Lotor asked. I knew exactly where we were and I wished I had told him to go to Starbucks instead.

"You know what, I think I fancy Starbucks." I was just about to walk in the other direction but Lotor grabbed my arm. To a passerby, it might have seemed gentle but it was much rougher than that. Considering the bruises that had already blossomed in that area, I was extra sensitive.

"Why not here? It looks perfectly nice."

"I don't know. I just-" Under that amount of pressure, I was unable to come up with a plausible excuse as to why I didn't want to enter the Lion Coffee shop. "I feel sick." It slipped out before I could even think about it, the fact that I was lying more obvious than anything. Lotor's grip on me tightened and I winced, my face scrunching up in pain.

"You were fine earlier. If you don't give me a proper reason, we're going in." I snapped my mouth shut and he pushed the door open. Secretly, I was relieved when I saw Shiro behind the counter and not Keith. It would have been horrendous for me if it was Keith.

"Oh, hi Lance!" He exclaimed, waving us over. I nervously sat down on the same chair that I always did. Lotor slid into the seat beside me, eyes narrow as he alternatively diverted his gaze between me and Shiro.

"You two know each other?"

"Yeah," I had to answer before Shiro could tell the truth and throw me under the bus. "I actually went to college with Shiro. It's been a while, hasn't it?" I sent Shiro a pleading look and, luckily, he played along. He flashed a large smile and nodded his head, holding out his hand. I shook it, replicating his smile as if we really were two old friends being reunited after a few years.

"It's nice seeing you again, dude. What can I get you?"

"Two hot chocolates, please." I kept my gaze fixed on my lap as Lotor handed over the money and Shiro turned to make the drinks. Lotor's hand snaked up to my thigh and he rubbed it gently.

"Would you like marshmallows and cream?"

"On one." Shiro nodded, spiralling the whipped cream and dropping a few marshmallows onto it. He then pushed the drinks towards us and Lotor thanked him for both of us. As soon as Shiro had turned away and set his attention elsewhere, Lotor picked out a marshmallow and threw it into his open mouth.

Going into the coffee shop was much less of a disaster than I had anticipated. We sipped at our drinks at a steady pace whilst chatting about little things. At one point, Lotor's lips were covered in whipped cream so I took it upon myself to lean forward and kiss it away. That had made him laugh softly; his laugh was like music to my ears. I thought it was a miracle when we walked back out into the cold air and didn't once bump into Keith.


	9. Chapter 9

"Who was that you were with the other day?" Shiro asked as he placed a glass of water down in front of me. I tentatively stared into it, eyes settling on the messed up reflection of myself.

"My boyfriend." I muttered, hoping that the conversation would stop there. Of course it didn't.

"Why did you lie to him about how we knew each other?" I simply shrugged, hunching my shoulders over and leaning closer to the water. Shiro watched me closely, as if he was trying to figure the exact meaning of my shrug.

"Is Keith working today?"

"Yeah. He should get here any minute now. Is hanging out with me not good enough for you?"

I could tell he was joking but my heart still skipped a beat. In fact, it skipped so many beats that a heart monitor would have announced me dead. Hopefully, my stiffness went unnoticed. As if on cue, the bell above the door made a tiny 'ding' noise and Keith walked in. "Hey, Lance!" He exclaimed as he headed behind the counter and traded places with Shiro. "How are you on this fine Monday morning?"

"Absolutely perfect, you?"

"I'm living a dream, Lance," Keith took off his coat and hung it up on one of the pegs. "I'm joking. I cracked my phone screen this morning _and_ I ran out of my favourite cereal."

"Oh wow, the world must be ending for you." I let out a soft laugh and Keith dramatically rolled his eyes.

"It is! You don't understand. That cereal basically fuels me all day. At this rate, I'm going to pass out before I even get my lunch break."

"How tragic." I reached for my glass and my sleeve slid up ever so slightly, revealing a mix of browns and purples. Keith's eyes fixed on them before I had enough time to pull the sleeve back down. His breath hitched.

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"The bruises, Lance. How did you get those bruises?" His tone was demanding; serious. I swallowed thickly, fiddling with the glass in my hands. I refused to meet his gaze because I could already imagine the emotions they were holding. Worry. Sympathy. Sadness.

"I tripped and hit my wrist on a table. I'm really clumsy." I let out a very nervous laugh and Keith's mouth fell open as if he was about to say something but it soon shut again. He dropped the topic and moved on to something else, my wrist forgotten.

-

When Lotor left for work again the next day, I headed out. My pockets were empty of everything except my phone so I didn't have the money to buy a drink. I just planned on dropping in to talk to Keith. As long as that was okay with him.

It was snowing softly, the snowflakes disappearing as soon as they settled on the floor. When I knew no one was looking, I stuck my tongue out and caught one, smiling as it melted. It reminded me of when I was a kid and snow was something that excited me an absurd amount. As an adult, snow was nowhere near as exhilarating.

I had my fluffy gloves on my hands but they weren't helping keep me warm much at all. My scarf was wrapped around my neck and I had my hood thrown over my head so my hair didn't get ruined in the snow. I had just washed it that morning so wasn't prepared for it to go all fluffy again.

I pushed the door of the familiar coffee shop open and was hit with heat that reminded me of a hug. Keith was stood behind the counter with his back to the rest of the shop, humming a song as he prepared a drink. He looked adorable as he turned around and met my eyes, realising I had been listening to his beautiful rendition of Fall Out Boy. A tiny, pink blush enveloped his cheeks and it contrasted his usual tough demeanour.

He pushed a cup of what looked like a latte towards the waiting customer before waving at me. "What can I get you, Lance-y Lance?"

"Firstly," I took a seat on one of the stools, leaning on the counter. "Never call me that again. Second, nothing. I don't have any money."

"Then- not to be rude but- why are you here?"

"I don't know," I shifted my gaze down to my hands, suddenly embarrassed. "I guess I just wanted to talk to you." I should have come up with an excuse. I sounded so stupid saying that and I was sure Keith didn't want to talk to me. Why would he want to talk to me?

"The shop's kind of quiet if you want to sit down and chat?"

"Okay..." I threw him a smile as he exited the counter and sat down beside me on one of the stools. He immediately leaned towards me and balanced his head on one of his arms.

"How're you doing then?"

"Better," I took a shaky breath, "You?"

"I'm decent. You'd be happy to know I restocked my favourite cereal so got all the fuel I needed this morning." I let out a small noise that was more an exhale of breath than an actual laugh.

Time passed quickly as we talked. I often found my eyes drifting down to his moving lips but I tore my gaze away as soon as I realised what I was doing. I had to convince myself that I wanted to be Keith's friend and nothing more. I enjoyed his company but I was with Lotor and wanted to _stay_ with Lotor. Our conversation was brought to an abrupt close as my phone started ringing in my pocket.

I pulled it out to see a stupid picture of me and Lotor and his matching caller ID. I mouthed an apology to Keith as I slid my finger on the screen to answer the call. "He-" I started to greet but I was cut off all too soon by Lotor's loud voice.

"Where are you? I've been home for half an hour and I'm worried sick." His voice was so loud that I winced a bit and held the phone away from my ear. I stole a glance at Keith but he was busy staring off into space, a sign he couldn't hear Lotor.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't notice the time! I'll head home now."

"We'll talk punishment when you get here."

"O-Okay." Lotor hung up before I could even say goodbye. "I need to go. Thanks for the chat. It was... nice."

I turned to leave but Keith shouted something across the shop to stop me. "If you have your phone back, will you finally text me?"

My heart dropped to the floor as I harshly bit my lip. Hope flashed across Keith's facial expression, his eyes practically glowing as he waited for me to respond. Slowly, I shook my head and replied, "I can't. I'm sorry, Keith."

-

"Where were you that was more important than being here, huh?" Lotor was up in my face again. It was sad that I was almost used to it, my breathing remaining as shallow as ever. Lotor's usually pale face was bright red and he was fuming. If he was a cartoon character, smoke would be escaping his ears and filling the air.

"I was just walking through town and didn't notice the time." I murmured, maintaining eye contact to make me appear more truthful. My entire body was trembling but I tried to present myself as confidently as possible.

"Oh really? Why don't I believe you?"

"Because you don't trust me as much as you should. I- I'm telling the truth." I stiffened at the stutter but Lotor just smiled, realising my mistake.

"Were you with someone? Hunk? That Shaun guy?"

"His name's Shiro and no, I was alone."

"You must understand that I need to punish you, alright? I'm going to take your phone back."

"Okay." I shoved my hand into my pocket and handed my phone over. I had gotten used to being without a phone so could easily survive the punishment. I had taken much worse before.

"If this happens again... I'm going to do something worse, okay? Just so you know not to do it again." Numbly, I nodded. I had done something wrong and deserved to be punished.


	10. Chapter 10

"So why won't you text me if you have your phone back?" Keith asked as he passed over my hot chocolate. He had given me one on the house because he considered me a friend. He even gave me an extra marshmallow which made me my heart flutter. It was the tiny gestures that added up to a lot. I avoided his gaze, focusing on a picture on the wall that was hanging above the tables at the back. It was of a robotic lion; one that matched the logo on Keith's shirt. It looked like something right out of a cartoon and I wondered if Keith had drawn it himself.

"I just can't and, if you really want to know, I don't have my phone again." I muttered, sipping at the hot chocolate and licking the cream off of my lips. I could have sworn I saw Keith's gaze drop to my lips but I more than likely just imagined it.

"Why not?"

"I broke it again."

"Again?"

"Yeah."

"You must be pretty careless then..." He didn't seem to believe me but didn't push the subject. I was thankful for that. "So how are you?"

"I'm okay... you?"

"I'm good... Can we do something weird?" I raised my eyebrow because, without context, that sounded extremely bizarre. "Can we ask each other questions? So I can learn some more stuff about you. The stupid stuff." I nodded, secretly thinking that it was a good idea. I wanted to learn more about Keith, even if it did feed into that tiny little crush I had on the other man. I didn't want to like him but a small part of me couldn't help it. "What's your favourite colour?"

"Easy, blue." It was the colour of my eyes and the colour of the ocean. The colour of the sky and all of its endless possibilities. The colour of sapphire and the colour of my favourite t-shirt. Pastel blue was soft and beautiful whilst navy blue was powerful and deep. It was such an amazing colour. "Favourite animal?"

"My favourite colour is red," like his shirt, "And I like wolves."

"I'm more of a turtle kind of guy." When I was a kid, I had begged my mum to let me get a pet turtle but she had refused. I still wanted one but Lotor wouldn't let me get one either. Maybe one day.

"Cute," Keith leaned forward, his hair falling over his face. I resisted the urge to brush it behind his ear: I was in dangerous territory. "Do you have any siblings?"

"Two brothers and a sister but I don't really see them anymore."

"Shiro's kind of my brother. Adopted family."

"Ah. What's with the drink names?" I gestured to the menu hanging above the counter and Keith raised an eyebrow. "Ever since I walked in here the first time, I wondered what they actually meant. Seriously, hydra's hot chocolate? What does that even mean?"

"Oh," Keith's lips quirked into a smile as his eyes grazed the names listed. "They're all constellations. The entire theme of this coffee is based on this old show Shiro and I loved as a kid called Voltron. It was about some robotic lions that could form this giant robot to defend the universe. Hence all the lions and references to space."

"That's so awesome! Much more innovative than Starbucks."

Keith chuckled, "Yeah. What was your favourite subject at school?"

"Maths or physics. I was quite smart back then."

"I'm sure you're still smart. I liked physics and business. It's your turn to ask a question."

I bit my lip as I pondered what to ask. I bought some more time by taking a long sip of my hot chocolate, appreciating the warmth as it travelled down my throat. "Favourite memory?"

"I don't know really. Opening this place maybe. I remember my jaw hurting because I was smiling so much. Shiro did most of the work so I suppose it isn't my achievement but yeah. I was proud. We spent hours coming up with the names for the drinks and finding the theme and stuff. It was our dream and we didn't think it would actually happen but... it did. Our dream came alive."

Keith's lips formed a small smile as he spoke about the memory and it was adorable. The smile looked so fitting on his face, especially when his expression was usually one that was neutral. "My favourite memory was probably when I went to the beach with my old friends. There were only three of us and one of them drove. He had just gotten his license so we were literally ecstatic to go out together. We ate fish and chips and a seagull stole Pidge's chip and it was hilarious. They were so angry that they started to chase the poor seagull up the beach." I was smiling but tears were beginning to collect in my eyes. I didn't bother to wipe them away because they were inevitably going to fall.

"Lance-"

"We went to the arcade and we spent so much money but we didn't care. Pidge won a stupid teddy bear for Hunk and it was just so great..." Keith leaned forward and brushed a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I'm sorry... I miss them so much."

"If you don't mind me asking... what happened?"

I rubbed my eyes with my fists and exhaled deeply. "They don't like me anymore." Lotor had reminded me of that every time I brought up talking to them again. I missed both Hunk and Pidge to the point that I didn't care whether they liked me or not. I just wanted to hug them both again and go back to that day at the beach.

"How do you know that? Did you argue or something?"

I shook my head, my jaw tense. I was fighting more tears and Keith must have noticed because he placed a gentle hand onto my thigh. "I can't talk about it, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah... I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I glanced at the clock on the wall, noticing that the minute hand was very close to twelve and the other to four. "Shit! I need to go." There was no way I could be late two days in a row. I scrambled up to my feet, rushing out of the shop without saying a proper goodbye. I knew it was rude of me but I didn't want to have to face a punishment.

I didn't realise I was running until I stopped outside my apartment, breathing heavily. Lotor's car was in the drive, sitting there as innocent as ever. I pushed the door open and dumped the spare key down on the side before Lotor could even notice I was home.

"Two days in a row, Lance? Seriously?" I turned around to see Lotor had appeared in the doorway, hands rested either side of his hips. His voice was deep and menacing; not a good sign. I backed up into the wall, holding up my arms in defence.

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time again." I squeaked out as Lotor raised his fist into the air. It came in contact with my face before I could even consider dodging. My hand flew up to my eye, elapsing half the world into blackness.

"You aren't allowed out anymore."

"For how long?"

"I don't know but you need to learn to behave. If I find out you've gone out, there will be consequences and I will make you regret it. Do you hear me?"

"Okay... I'm sorry, Lotor." Obviously taking away my phone and banning me from leaving the house wasn't enough because he then made sure to deliver countless punches to my body until I was left aching all over.


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't know what to do with myself whilst Lotor was at work. I had been meeting up with Keith daily so going so long without seeing him made me miss him. I had left him so abruptly without a proper goodbye and then disappeared. Not that he'd care if I never returned. Why would he?

I had flicked through Netflix a couple of times before settling on rewatching Stranger Things. It was early December- not exactly Halloween- but I didn't think it mattered. I grabbed the soft blanket Lotor had given me one Christmas and snuggled up on the sofa. I pressed play, laid my head against a pillow and immersed myself into the story.

-

"Love, wake up," I let out a tiny whine as I winced against the light. Lotor was staring down at me with a smile on his face, having obviously just come home. "What do you want for dinner?" As I yawned, he brushed a piece of hair out of my face.

"What time is it?" I muttered, forcing myself up into a sitting position as I rubbed my eyes with my fists.

"I just got home so around four. Do you want to order pizza? As a treat for you being good today?"

"Sure." My stomach growled at me, telling me to eat something. I hadn't seen much of a point in getting up for lunch so had skipped it. When I thought about it, I realised I hadn't actually eaten breakfast either. All I had had was a single cup of coffee.

That was how we ended up cuddling up on the sofa and watching a movie together. We were sharing two pizzas between us: one pepperoni and one Hawaiian. Love, Simon was playing on the screen but I was paying more attention to the pizza.

"Hey, Lance?" Lotor spoke up out of the blue, his hands finding their way into my hair. I hummed as a response whilst he started to play with the strands of my hair. "I think I was a bit harsh on you yesterday. I'm going to let you go out whilst I'm at work again."

"Really?" My face lit up like the sun.

"Yeah. As long as you promise you'll be good."

"I promise! Thank you so much."

"I love you." My eyes fell shut as I focused on the hands in my hair. They were so soothing and relaxing that I was on the verge of falling asleep.

"I love you too, Lotor." I did. I really loved him. I loved our movie nights and I loved going on dates with him. I loved hearing him laugh and feeling him kiss me. I loved when I was good and he rewarded me. It made all the punishments worth it.

-

"Where were you yesterday?" Keith asked, trying to hide the disappointment in his tone. He had given me a glass of water and was sipping at his own latte. The shop was dead and we were the only ones there.

"I wasn't feeling great," I easily lied. I forced a cough to make my words more convincing but the quirked eyebrow on Keith's face told me he didn't believe me. "I'm feeling better today."

"That's good... also, Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you get that black eye?" My eyes widened because I had completely forgotten that was there. I could see out of that eye perfectly fine so the existence of the bruising easily slipped my mind. I stiffened a little bit but another lie came to me at such an ease that I was almost ashamed.

"I tripped and hit my eye on the corner of a counter. I'm such a klutz, I swear."

"Oh... and why don't you text me?" I glanced up with furrowed eyebrows. "I'm beginning to think you don't want to but you keep showing up here so you must _want_ to talk? You're giving me some crazy mixed messages here."

"I do want to talk. I told you last time that I broke my phone again."

"I- I don't believe you. Something just seems off about it."

"Nothing's off, Keith."

"Then why didn't you message me when you had your phone?"

"I just... can't."

"But why? Don't you want to talk to me?" Keith sounded like he was getting angry so I couldn't help it as I shrunk back into my chair. "I don't get it, Lance. Something must be going on that you aren't telling me. I'm too stupid to figure out what so I need you to tell me. Just say it if you don't want to be my friend anymore."

"There isn't anything going on. I need- need to get home." I got up onto my feet and abandoned the half empty glass of water. Keith stood up too and raised a hand. If I had time to think logically about it, I would have realised it would land on my shoulder but, I didn't have that time. I flinched, mind jumping to the worst conclusion.

I brought both of my hands up to protect my face and ducked away. I vaguely heard Keith gasp and murmur, "You thought I was going to hit you," in complete disbelief. "Lance, I'm so so sorry. I was just going to-"

"It's fine." I turned and rushed out of the shop without looking back.

-

I was jittery when I got home. I went straight up to the bedroom and sat down on the bed, Keith's words and tone refusing to escape my mind. He sounded so pained and concerned but I couldn't place my finger down on why. I had flinched. It wasn't that big a deal. Anyone would have flinched if they thought they were about to be hit.

And all of those questions. My bruises. My phone. How he thought something seemed off. Lotor would have told me that Keith didn't care about me if he knew but I didn't want to have to push him away like I had Pidge and Hunk. Keith was someone special and I really liked him. Maybe too much. He had found his way into my heart without even realising. I fell onto my back and glanced up at the ceiling, feeling fresh tears collect in my eyes.

It felt so wrong going behind Lotor's back to meet up with someone but it wasn't like I was cheating. If he found out, he was either going to kill me, deprive me of everything I could imagine or, worse, break up with me. He knew how much I relied on him so breaking up with me was the worst possible outcome. At that point, I lived with him, didn't have any of my own money and didn't have any friends I could go to (unless Keith counted).

-

"You seem distant. What's wrong, love?" Lotor whispered when we were laying in bed one night. We weren't touching at all because I was laying as far away from him as possible. I didn't reply, rolling over to face the wall. It had been over a week since I had seen Keith and I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I was drowning in my guilt: I loved Lotor. He needed to know I had a friend. He needed to know about the one night stand.

"There's something I haven't told you about." My voice cracked before I could even tell him the truth. He placed a hand on my shoulder to coax me into looking in his direction. I did. "I have a friend who- who works at the coffee shop we went to. His name's-"

"Lance. Stop." Lotor sounded angry and I hadn't even told him the worst of it. He sat up; as did I. We kept about a quarter of a metre between us. "Is it that Shane dude?"

"His name's Shiro and no. It's Keith and you haven't met him before."

"What have I told you about having friends? No one cares about you. He's just going to hurt you like everyone else. It's better if you don't have friends. I'm the only person you need."

"I know you said that but- but he's different. He's really kind and he gives me free drinks sometimes. We've talked a lot and I really feel like I know him."

"I don't want you seeing him anymore. What if he tries to take you away from me? We can't have that, can we?"

"He- He won't-"

"Lance, just be quiet. You're lucky I'm not punishing you any more than this." I hung up my head as Lotor laid back down. When I followed suit, Lotor wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards his chest in a very protective way. I shut my eyes tightly just so I didn't end up crying.


	12. Chapter 12

I felt like I was going to puke. I had locked myself in the bathroom and was sat in front of the toilet, hugging my knees against my chest. I was sobbing with my head buried in between my legs. Lotor had left for work a couple of hours ago and I was just letting all of my pent up emotions out. I didn't want to stop seeing Keith. He made me feel valid, important and happy- emotions that Lotor rarely made me feel.

Lotor wouldn't know if I snuck out whilst he was at work. I could do that but then there was the issue with Keith himself. Keith was going to question the flinch and my absence and I had no excuses lined up. Tomorrow. I'd sneak out tomorrow.

-

"Your eyes," Lotor's hand brushed my cheek as I avoided his gaze completely. "They're red. Have you been crying, love?" Instead of answering, I stared down at the floor. "Is this because of last night? You need to understand that that Keith doesn't care about you. He probably thought you were annoying and wanted to stop seeing you anyway."

"But he didn't seem... he liked me." My voice was pathetically quiet as Lotor pushed me backwards harshly. I almost tripped over my own feet but caught myself just in time.

"He doesn't like you. No one likes you except me. I am the only person you're allowed to talk to; do you understand?"

"Why though? It would be my fault if he ended up hurting me. I want to see him. Please let me see him, Lotor?"

"Lance, why aren't you listening to me? You aren't allowed to see him for your safety."

"No, maybe you should listen to me for once!" I didn't know where my newfound confidence had come from but somehow it allowed me to stiffen and glare at my boyfriend. "Keith's different. I didn't see him for one day and he worried. He actually cares about me and- and it's not like I'm cheating on you. I should be allowed to have friends."

"I think you need to be reminded of your place. You're below me and you should listen to me. I know what's best for you." I had backed up against the wall and Lotor had his chest pressed right up against mine. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides and I knew what was coming next but that wouldn't make it hurt any less.

"I'm my own person, Lotor! I should be allowed to choose who I talk to." At that point, I was begging myself to shut up. I was just digging myself a hole and it was going to make my punishment so much worse.

"No, you shouldn't. I'm protecting you."

"You aren't! You're-" Lotor shoved me backwards so hard that my head fell back and the world started to spin.

"Do you like him more than me, huh? Are you going to leave me for him? Is that what you want?"

"No, no-" Lotor's face was just getting closer and closer until I could feel his breath against my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, the trepidation finally surfacing and making itself known.

"It sounds like you prefer him to me. Am I not enough for you? Does Lance think he deserves more than me? You need me. Keith's going to hurt you and then you'll come running back to me, begging to be taken back. No one will treat you like I do. Do you hear me, Lance? No one."

"I'm sorry!"

"You should be. I need to punish you for this. You talk back to me like you're on my level. You see someone behind my back. I really should break up with you after this."

"Please don't. Please-" Lotor's hand grabbed my arm roughly and he started to drag me towards our room. "I said I was sorry. Just don't- don't do this! I won't see him again, I promise."

"I'm sorry, Lance. I know you understand..."

-

I searched the sides for the spare key Lotor usually left but I couldn't find it anywhere. I even opened up every single one of the draws but to no avail. It would have made sense if he hid it from me. I let out an exasperated sigh, turning to face away from the counter. I had to think of a way to contact Keith so I could speak to him one last time before Lotor took him away forever.

I knew I had his number tucked away in one of my old books but I didn't have my phone. I had shoved the napkin away just in case I ever had the opportunity to text Keith or if there was some sort of emergency. Lotor had hidden my phone somewhere, most likely in our room. Subconsciously, my legs took me up there and my hands started to filter through our draws. I eventually found the phone at the bottom of Lotor's underwear draw but it was dead.

I plugged it into Lotor's charger and sunk down onto the bed. I had Keith's number in one hand and the phone in the other. I typed out a quick message.

_Hi, Keith. I'm just texting you to say I won't be able to talk to you anymore. I didn't want you to worry or anything so I thought I'd text you. I would have rather done it in person but I'm not exactly allowed out or anything haha_

Keith started to type, the speech bubble appearing on the corner of the screen. Eventually his message popped up.

_Who is this? Lance?_

_Me: Yeah. Don't text this number again._

_Keith: No? Why can't I text you again?_

_Me: Just don't_

_Keith: Please don't go, Lance?? I thought we were friends_

_Me: We are but I can't talk to you anymore_

_Keith: Why are you leaving me if we're friends?_

_Me: I have to, alright?_

_Keith: No. Not alright. I'm going to miss you_

I heard a car door slam outside and scrambled onto my feet, shoving the phone back into Lotor's underwear draw and putting the napkin back into the book. I laid down in bed to pretend I had just been having a nap.


	13. Chapter 13

I realised far too late that I hadn't deleted the messages. A couple of days later, Lotor appeared in the living room with my phone in his hands. He had a deep frown on his face and didn't say anything as he held out the device and turned it on so I could see the screen. My stomach dropped as I saw a message from what was probably Keith's number. _Lance, I really like you. I know something's wrong and you aren't telling me. Breaking your phone all the time and coming into the shop with bruises? Is someone hurting you? Lance, you need to speak to me. I can help. If you aren't safe, you need to tell me._

Just as I finished reading and glanced up to Lotor's blank face, he let out a menacing growl. "Who is this? Is it Kevin?"

Despite every part of me telling me to be nice and act good, I murmured, "Keith." He didn't appreciate being corrected, as apparent in his face darkening to a red that almost represented the colour of blood. He grabbed a fistful of my shirt and hoisted me upwards, slamming me back into the wall. The world started to swim around me but all I could focus on was Lotor's face. His expression was almost murderous.

"Do you think I care? Because I don't. He's trying to take you away from me and I won't have any of it. He isn't allowed to do that. You've broken so many rules, Lance, and I don't know what you want me to do about it. There are only so many punishments that I can give you and you've already lost your right to go outside and use your phone. What else can I do other than leave you? I could kick you out onto the street and then what would you do? Go running to Keith so he could figure out just how pathetic you are?"

I was wailing like a baby but Lotor didn't appear to plan on stopping with his words. "I-" I tried to get out but he interrupted me.

"I give you everything. I give you a roof over your head and buy you nice things. I look after you so that you don't get hurt and this is how you repay me?"

"I'm sorry, Lotor, please-"

"Shut the fuck up, Lance! I don't want to hear your excuses anymore! I can't take it. Get out!"

"Lotor-" His name came out more like a gasp than an actual word. I could hardly see because tears were blurring my vision but he didn't feel sympathy. I reached out to grab a hold of his shirt but he just shoved me back again.

"Lance, just go! I can't even look at you anymore! I tried so hard to look after you and love you but it's clear that you don't want that. Good luck finding someone else who can put up with you. I guarantee Keith will leave as soon as he figures out the real you. You're going to be homeless and broke and all alone. Just because you're a pathetic, weak, selfish freak. You hear that, Lance? I'm the only person who would put up with all of your stupid needs and those- those freaking panic attacks! You're so much work and I don't understand why Keith would even bother with you."

I let out another loud sob but he was just shaking his head, as if to tell me that that was that. He wasn't going to change his mind about kicking me out. I rushed out of the house so fast that I forgot to grab my coat. It was in the minus degrees outside but that was the last thing on my mind. I stormed down the street, my feet making that crunching noise as I broke out into a run. I didn't know where I was going and I certainly didn't care.

Somehow, I ended up in front of the same coffee shop. Right in front of me was the sign _Lion Coffee_. I shoved the door open much harder than necessary, tears staining my face as the few people in there were staring at me. I was such a mess and of course it was Shiro's shift and not Keith's.

"Shiro," I cried out and the poor guy's eyes widened. He obviously didn't know how to deal with me. "Where's Keith?"

"At home..? He finished his shift like an hour ago. I can call him if you-"

I didn't even let him finish before cutting him off. I was desperate. I'm sure that was clear in the fact that I had stormed into a public coffee shop whilst crying like a young child. "Please. I need to talk to him. It's really important."

"Okay just hold on a moment. Can I get you a drink or anything? On the house?" I furiously shook my head as Shiro took his phone out of his pocket and walked out into the back. As I stared down at the counter, I was almost 100% sure I was about to projectile vomit everywhere. Luckily, I didn't.

-

"Lance? What happened?" Keith questioned as soon as his eyes settled on my state. I hadn't stopped crying and I was shivering violently- so much that my teeth had began to chatter. Going out in just a short sleeved shirt in the middle of winter was a big mistake. Keith was wearing a beanie hat, a big coat, gloves and a scarf and he still looked freezing cold.

"Lotor kicked me out. I don't have anywhere to go and- and you're my only friend. I don't know what to do!" I buried my head into my hands and Keith wrapped his arms around my quivering body. When he backed up, he pulled his coat off of his shoulders and draped it around mine.

"Lotor's your boyfriend..?"

"Not anymore," I broke down into another round of sobs and Keith looked like he didn't know what to do. "I told you not to text me again and you- you didn't listen! He saw your text and found out I had stolen my phone back. He didn't like that. I- I was so bad and he said he couldn't take it anymore."

"Oh, Lance... you can stay with me for a bit if you want."

"I don't want to be a burden." I sniffed, rubbing at my tear-filled eyes with my balled up fists. Keith smiled encouragingly at me, rubbing my arm.

"You won't be. Come on, I'll take you there. You're freezing."

"Thank you..." I whispered as Keith took both of my hands into his and pulled me onto my feet. His gloves were soft and warm against my bright red hands.


	14. Chapter 14

"Lance, I'm sorry to bring it up but... that time you had a black eye and those bruises on your wrist... did Lotor do it?" Keith's voice was soft as if I was glass that he was afraid to break. I glanced down into the coffee Keith had made me, conflicted. "You should tell me if he did. I can help." Keith's hand found its way to mine again and he squeezed it.

"Yes but it was only because I did something bad. I deserved to be hurt." I mumbled and Keith's face softened. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer so I could bury my head into him.

"What did you do that was bad?"

"I stayed out too long once. I can't really remember what else I did."

"You know that isn't actually bad, right? You're your own person and you have control over what you can do. You're allowed to stay out as long as you want."

"No," My gaze flickered upwards to meet his. "No, I can't."

"Yes, you can. What else did Lotor tell you was wrong?"

"H- Having friends... and money... he'd take my phone away a lot too but for good reason! He was trying to keep me safe."

"You do know that's wrong, right?" I didn't reply, burying my head further into Keith's shoulder. He smelt vaguely like citrus fruit and it was comforting, compared to Lotor's usual bland smell. "I assumed for a long time he wasn't treating you right and I wish I said something sooner."

"I love him and he loves me so it's okay, Keith. I don't see what's so wrong." Keith's fingers traced the bruises that covered my wrist so I flinched my arm back. His eyes were thin and he refused to tear his gaze away from my colourful skin. "Stop looking at me like that. I- I was happy with him."

"What he did wasn't right. You should be allowed to have control over your own life."

"I need him, Keith. He was everything to me."

"You don't need him. That's just what he wanted you to think."

"You have no idea!" I didn't mean to raise my voice; it just happened. Then I was on my feet and was sobbing loudly all over again. I knew shouting would earn me a punishment but people weren't allowed to put Lotor down like that. What he did was right. I deserved it all. I needed to be good. "Lotor was right about everything and you can't say he wasn't! I- I need him. I need to go back to him and I shouldn't be with you. You're going to use me and then hate me and- and-"

"Woah, calm down." I jolted away from him as if his touch would burn me. I was breathing so heavily that I had become rather lightheaded. The world was dancing around me, as if teasing me about my state. "Lotor wasn't right and I won't ever use or hate you. I-" Keith stood up and raised his arms- probably to hug me- but I didn't have enough time to think about it.

_He's going to hit me. Hurt me. Punch me. Use me. Lotor warned me. I needed to be punished for shouting. Shouting wasn't allowed. Hitmehurtmepunchmeuseme. Can't breathe. I was going to die. Hitmehurtmepunchmeuseme. I needed to get out and get back to Lotor. Fast._

"Lance! Breathe!"

All I could see were bright colours. A figure stood in front of me but it was impossible to tell who it was. I raised my hands to protect my face and I choked out desperate words. "Please don't hurt me. Please. I'm sorry. I'll be good. Please."

_Inhale. Exhale. One. Inhale. Exhale. Two. Inhale. Exhale. Three. Four. Five. Six._

I cracked my eyes open to see Keith was bent down in front of me, facial expression full of concern. I didn't know exactly how but I had ended squished in the corner, hugging my knees against my chest. Keith dropped down beside me, pressing his back into the wall. He left a small amount of space between us which I appreciated. "I'm sorry. I just- whenever you raise your hands- I-" I started to stammer but my words weren't coming out properly. My speech was probably an accurate representation of my thoughts: a complete and utter mess.

"Hey, hey, you don't need to explain it. I sort of understand. I'm sorry if I triggered you."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him and balanced my head on my knees. "Why... why are you apologising?"

"Oh, Lance..." He frowned and I still didn't quite understand. "It's my fault that you got triggered. None of this was your fault, alright?"

"Is- Is it okay if I go to bed early? I'm feeling kind of drained."

"Of course it is. I'll sleep on the sofa." I didn't have enough energy to argue. Keith stood up first and held out his hand to help pull me up. I didn't take it and, instead, hulled myself up onto my feet and followed him to his bedroom. His apartment was much smaller than mine and Lotor's so it only took about thirty seconds to reach the other room. Keith's bed was a single and half the size of the one I had been sleeping in with Lotor. Keith turned to leave but lingered by the door for an extra moment. "Goodnight, Lance. Don't fret to wake me up if you need anything."

"Night, Keith."


	15. Chapter 15

Keith handed me a folded up hoodie and a pair of jeans. "I'll put your clothes in the wash today but you're going to need to wear something of mine. I assume we're about the same size but... we'll see. You know where the bathroom is so don't be scared to have a shower. The temperature's kind of iffy but, if you're quick, I'm sure it will be fine." He explained as I nodded along.

His hoodie ended up being a bit too small on me but I didn't say anything. I was grateful he had given me a change of clothes at all. His jeans were simultaneously too loose and too small, with the waist being too big and the bottom of the jeans riding up my legs a little.

-

"I have to go to work. Are you okay to stay here?" Keith said as he grabbed his coat and pulled it over his shoulders. I nodded and watched whilst he slipped his hands into his gloves.

"Am I allowed to go out?" I asked, my voice timid. Keith looked taken aback at the question, his mouth opening and closing a couple of seconds before actual words came out.

"I don't have a spare key. I've been meaning to get one for a while so I suppose not... but you could come to work with me if you wanted?"

"Yes, please. As long as I won't be an inconvenience."

"You won't be. Our shop's quiet anyway so you might make it a bit more lively."

That was how I ended up behind the counter in the Lion Coffee shop that I had visited regularly for a while. It was peculiar seeing the shop from the other side of the counter but I had Keith by my side so it was okay. When we had arrived, he gave me a blue shirt with a lion embroidered into the chest, saying it belonged to an old employee but was mine now. Keith had me taking orders whilst he prepared and served the drinks. The day passed rather fast whilst I was occupied with the work.

When the bell rang again, I didn't think much of it. I only realised who it was once they were right in front of me. Hunk. He was red in the face, as if he had had a long day and was coming to the coffee shop for a drink to help him wind down. "Can I have a capricornus's chocolate milkshake please?" He asked, only then looking up. "Lance?"

I smiled rather bashfully, waving my hand a little bit. "Uh.. that'll be £2.10." My words came out as more of a question than a command but Hunk didn't seem to be listening anyway. He had broken out into a wide smile, his eyes shining as he stared at me.

"I'm so glad you're okay. It's been so long, man." He eventually did drop the coins into my palm and I counted them before putting them into the cash register.

"Yeah, sorry," I turned to Keith, poking his shoulder. "One chocolate milkshake."

"Coming right up!" Keith grinned and turned around to the machines.

"How are things? Are you and Lotor still together?" Hunk appeared genuinely concerned which I considered odd. If Lotor was right in saying he didn't care, then how come he looked so worried? How come he bothered to ask how I was?

"Uh... no."

"I'm sorry. Are you... okay?"

"Sort of. It's been hard but Keith has been really good to me. I'm staying with him at the moment." Hunk nodded, thanking Keith as he handed over the milkshake. He took a long sip through the straw before speaking again.

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened with Lotor? I thought you two were... close?" He seemed like he was being cautious with his word choice but I couldn't understand why. I was the person who was constantly skating on thin ice, wary of how my words affected others. I wasn't going to get angry at Hunk.

"He kicked me out because he found out I had been texting Keith..."

"...Texting him?"

"Yeah?"

"Right..." Hunk avoided my gaze, fiddling with the straw in his drink. "Do you want to meet up sometime? Maybe with Pidge too?" I blinked rapidly, not at all expecting the question. I turned to Keith, who was just staring into space, and tugged at the bottom of his sleeve to get his attention. He turned to face me, smiling softly.

"Is it okay if I go out with Hunk sometime?" My voice was incredibly shaky. Whenever I had asked Lotor if I could go out with somebody, he reacted badly.

I was expecting Keith to turn me down and maybe even yell at me in front of Hunk but, instead, he sounded extremely surprised as he said, "Of course. You don't need to ask."

"Thank you." I could have sworn I saw Hunk and Keith exchange a sad, sympathetic look but I wasn't sure why. I assumed I had imagined it.

-

I sat down opposite Hunk and Pidge, my hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. We were sat inside Keith's shop a couple of days after I had first seen Hunk again. Keith had made a note of their numbers after the first encounter so that we could get in contact to meet up sometime. "I missed you so much, Lance." Pidge said, their voice so calm and gentle. "I was worried we'd never get you back."

"I don't understand. I never really went anywhere." I furrowed my eyebrows as they exchanged an unreadable look.

"You haven't talked to us in months."

"Well... I'm here now and everything's good." I held up a thumbs up towards my two friends. "I'm staying with Keith and he's really nice. He lets me go out and stuff."

"I'm sure he is. Look, Lance," Hunk leaned over and placed a hand on top of mine. His was much warmer than mine and slightly darker. "We don't know what Lotor said about us but whatever it was, it isn't true. We both love you so much and we could never hate you. He just tried to... poison you with those thoughts, alright? You are loved by so many people."

I glanced into my hot chocolate, taking a sip to postpone my response. I had to keep a straight face as it burnt my tongue. "He wasn't wrong. I trust and love Lotor a lot. He was right about it all." Hunk let out a gentle sigh and exchanged another one of those looks. I desperately tried to read their expressions but it was impossible.

"You've missed a lot really. I've got a girlfriend and Pidge's brother came home from university. My girlfriend's name is Shay and I'm sure she'll be so happy to meet you. We all have a lot in common really."

"That's awesome. I hope you're happy."

"We really hope you're happy too, Lance." Hunk's smile looked forced. He leaned forward and shut his eyes for a moment, as if taking in the moment. "You know we are always going to be here for you if you need to talk."


	16. Chapter 16

"Is it alright if I sleep in the bed just for tonight? My neck is killing me." Keith complained and I immediately nodded. Lotor had always taught me to put other people's wants and needs over my own. "I mean, we could share but it's a single so it might not be very comfy. One of us would just need to roll over to shove the other onto the floor."

"I don't mind." Keith contemplated it for a minute before smiling gently. He sat down on the bed, tapping the space next to him.

"We can share but you're allowed to leave whenever you want. And if you need me, don't be scared to wake me up."

"I know: you tell me that every night, Keith."

"I'm just making sure you know you have a choice here." I nodded thankfully as he lifted up the cover and slipped beneath it. I did the same and our bodies were pressed right up next to each other. It was either that or falling onto the floor. His touch spread warmth throughout my body and I liked it, especially since I was a cold person in general. I closed my eyes and it wasn't hard for me to drift into the dream world.

-

I woke up and felt strong arms around my torso. Immediately, thoughts danced around in my head.

_Hands in places they shouldn't be. Forced. You love me, right? If you loved me, you'd do this. Come on, Lance. Stop crying. Hands. Stop. Stop. Please, stop. I don't want this. If you love me, you'd do this. Hurt. Tears. You love me, right? Pain. Hurt. Tears. If you love me, you'd do this._

I rolled over to escape the arms and fell into a pile on the floor. I scrunched my eyes shut so that I wouldn't cry but, as soon as I heard the rustling of the covers, my breathing picked up. Static enveloped my brain like the worst possible hug imaginable. I could just about hear a voice but, with all the fuzzy noises, I couldn't tell who was speaking.

_No. No. No. Please. I don't want to do this. I love you but I can't. Not today. Get off of me! Hurt. Tears. Pain. Stop it! No. No. I don't want to do this. I need space. Stop it! No. No. I don't want to do this._

"Lance!" The person was screaming over and over again so I just let out a loud cry, covering my ears with my hands. I rolled up into a ball so that whoever was with me couldn't get to me in as many places. I was sobbing by that point, unable to tear the feeling of Lotor's hands away from my mind. It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. "Lance, Lance, you need to snap out of this! Listen to me! You're safe. It's Keith. I'm not going to hurt you and you're never going to have to go back to Lotor. You don't have to get back into bed with me if you don't want to. Just breathe with me, alright? I'm not angry. I just want you to be okay and know that you aren't in any danger."

I swallowed thickly, Keith's words replacing everything else that was echoing around my brain. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breathing. _Inhale. Exhale. One. Inhale. Exhale. Two. Inhale. Exhale. Three. Four. Five. Six._ Soon enough, I had a better grip on reality and could tell that it was Keith beside me.

"Am I allowed to touch you?" Keith's voice was so soft that I trusted him. His voice made him seem about as threatening as a child's stuffed teddy bear. When I nodded, he pulled me into a calming hug. I buried my head into his shoulder, reminding me that Keith smelt like citrus. It was Keith with me. Not Lotor. Lotor was bland and, if I smelt citrus, everything was fine. I was safe. "Do you want to get back into bed?"

"I'm not very tired anymore. You can get back into bed if you want. I'll just put on a movie or do some tidying up or something."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," I smiled the most genuine smile I could muster in that moment. "Certain."

-

I had been mainly wearing Keith's clothes until he had time to take me clothes shopping at the weekend. I didn't let him buy me to much but found a couple of shirts and a few pairs of jeans in Primark. I wouldn't have minded if I ended up having to wear his hoodies every so often. They were snug and always smelt like citrus.

We somehow ended up in what looked like a small, independent shop that sold candles. Everywhere I looked: candles. All shapes and all sizes. Keith had wandered off to one end of the shop whilst I started to sniff at the candles that were laid out at the front. I picked up one labelled _vanilla bean_ and smelt it. It was sweet but much too sweet for my liking. I moved on, smelling _lavender lush_ , _apple crush_ (that one reminded me of Hunk) and another that was named _midnight haze_. I reached for a fifth candle that was bright orange in colour and, I recognised the scent as soon as it hit my nostrils. Keith. It was a mix of lemon and orange and it was rightfully called ' _citrus dream_ '.

I picked it up and pretty much ran over to Keith. He was crouched on the floor, inhaling in the aroma of sea salt. He scrunched his nose up and put it back down. "Apparently the smell of salt is the most disgusting one on earth." He mumbled before standing up and acknowledging my presence.

"Please, please, please can I get this?" I begged, practically shoving it into Keith's face. He furrowed his eyebrows before pulling off the lid and smelling it himself.

"Do you like the smell of citrus?" He asked, sounding almost confused. The smile on his face suggested he found it pleasant too which was a good sign.

"You smell like citrus and yeah... it calms me down..." I could feel a pink blush spread across my cheeks as I realised how stupid the idea was. I was about to take the candle back but Keith nodded his head and took it back into his own hands.

"You can get it. Citrus is nice."

"Yay!"


	17. Chapter 17

Keith and I got so much closer. I helped him at the coffee shop whenever he had a shift (so every day really) and he said that that essentially paid off my rent and the money spent on all the things he had bought me. I rarely spent time away from him and I wasn't complaining about that. Compared to Lotor, his rules were completely different; almost polar opposites. He let me go out whenever I wanted, even on my own or with friends. He was going to purchase me a phone and let me talk to whoever I wanted with it. It was peculiar having all that control over my life but I found myself liking it.

I could sense my feelings for Keith growing substantially. I knew I liked him a little bit from the one night stand we had but I had repressed it. There were so many barriers and I thought I would never have the chance to confront him about the feelings. Then, one night, a few weeks after Lotor had kicked me out, we were sat down on Keith's bed, discussing said feelings.

He had just brought me in there and sat close to me with an arm wrapped around my lanky body. "There's something I need to tell you," He opened with and, naturally, it set my heart off beating a million miles an hour. Before I had enough time to worry any more, he continued to speak. "Ever since that one night stand... I- I've liked you a lot. I wanted to help you and I would look forward to seeing you come into the coffee shop every day. When you wouldn't text me, I was scared that you didn't like me and, honestly, I cared way too much."

"I care about and like you a lot too." I responded, unsure about what he was getting at. He let out a gentle sigh, rolling his eyes a little.

"What I'm trying to tell you, Lance, is," He turned and cupped my chin so that I was facing him. His hair had fallen over his eye and it took everything in me not to lean forward and brush it behind his ear. "I'm falling in love with you." Then he was leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine. I froze completely before pushing him backwards so we could separate.

"Uh... I- I should go." I got up onto my feet, turning to leave. All of a sudden, I felt breathless and like I was on the verge of puking.

"No, wait, Lance!" I stopped as a sign for Keith to continue. "I'm sorry. I- I thought that you might have liked me too. Did I read the signs wrong?"

"No," I let out a long, exasperated sigh. "I'm just not ready. I need time..."

"I'll wait forever if I need to."

I leant back down and brushed that stupid piece of hair out of his face. Keith's face was warm and bright red because of my touch. "You're so cheesy." My words came out more like a breath than speech.

"But you love it?"

"I do."

-

"Is it okay if I go out?" I questioned, lifting my head up to face Keith. He was staring at me with furrowed eyebrows and a look of confusion before he covered it up with a nod. "Do I need to be back at a certain time or something?"

"No, of course not. Do you want some money?"

"Some... what?" I cocked my head to the side and Keith smiled, reaching out to brush his hand against my own.

"Money, Lance. If you wanted to get a snack or coffee or something?"

"Oh... I don't want to cause any trouble."

"Don't worry about that," Keith shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out some coins. He dropped them into my open palm, his hand lingering much longer than necessary. "Get whatever you want, alright? You deserve to treat yourself."

"Can- Can I borrow your gloves?"

"You don't need to ask. Just as long as you tell me."

"Okay." Keith rummaged around his coat pocket again before dropping a pair of black gloves into my hand. I slipped them on and thanked him quietly.

-

I found myself wandering into Starbucks without really thinking about it. I hadn't been in there since Lotor broke up with me so the atmosphere was slightly terrifying when I was alone. I walked in the door, remembering how it felt to have Lotor by my side with his hand intertwined with mine. I walked up the line, stopping behind a girl who came up to my shoulders in height. I leant my elbow on the counter as I waited for the queue to move on. I spied a couple of cupcakes sat in the fridge and felt guilty as I picked one up.

It was small and I could wrap my fingers around the entire thing easily. "Good idea," The girl in front of me laughed, also reaching for a cake. Our eyes met momentarily but I was quick to look away. "Are you okay? You seem kind of nervous?"

I didn't realise how much I was shaking and fidgeting until she pointed it out. Then it was all I could focus on. A pink blush spread across my cheeks as I mumbled, "Yeah, yeah. I'm good."

"My name's Allura."

"Lance."

"Are you here alone?" The question caught me off guard and my mouth fell open but words refused to escape. She let out an awkward laugh. "Actually never mind. I was just going to ask if you wanted to sit with me."

"Oh..." _Would Keith let me do that? Lotor sure wouldn't._ "Okay." The word had left my mouth before I could even stop it. Allura walked away and, for a second, I panicked but then I realised she was just being served. I was soon called up too and stood beside Allura again. I placed the cupcake in front of me and the barista glanced at it before typing something on the screen.

"Is that all?" He sounded so bored, probably because he had to do the same thing repeatedly throughout the day. I half expected someone else to respond for me but soon realised I was on my own.

"Can- Can I have a hot chocolate too?"

"Sure." He inputted something else before holding out his palm. I didn't count the coins before dropping them into his palm, letting him sift through them. He eventually handed back a five and a twenty. I thanked him so quietly that I wasn't sure if he had heard. "Marshmallows and cream?" Somehow, that question never failed to surprise me. I shook my head.

A few moments later, he was handing me a mug and I took it over to where Allura was sitting by the window. The view was rather mediocre, simply being the road and a couple of trees but it was sufficient. Allura had already started to eat the muffin and her lips were coated in the blue icing. "You've got something..." I gestured to her mouth and she grabbed a napkin to wipe it away.

"Tell me about yourself," Allura leaned forward and balanced her head on her hands. I furrowed my eyebrows and she rolled her eyes a little bit. "What's your favourite colour?"

"Blue?" I answered as if I was asking another question. "Yours?"

"I don't really know. Maybe purple. Favourite animal?"

It reminded me of that time Keith and I had exchanged questions not long after we met for the first time. I glanced into my drink and smiled softly at the memory. "Turtles."

Time passed relatively fast as Allura continued to ask me questions. Soon enough, our drinks were drained and all that was left of our cupcakes was a pile of crumbs and a wrapper. I found myself liking Allura, even if we didn't have much in common. "I'd like to do this again sometime." She said, brushing a piece of her long hair out of her face. "May I have your number?"

"I don't have a phone..." I admitted and her eyes widened substantially.

"Is it broken or something?" I nodded, hanging my head. It wasn't exactly lying because not having a phone at all came under the 'something'. "I could write my number down for when you get it back."

"No, no, no." I muttered, not exactly meaning to shut her down so fast, She paused as she reached for a napkin, her face falling. Her eyebrows had creased and a frown had fallen upon her lips. "I don't think- it's nothing personal. I just-"

"I thought you liked hanging out with me, Lance. You should have just said you didn't want to."

"I do want to but I don't think it's okay. I might get in trouble if I-"

"Get in trouble with who?"

"I- I-"

"If you didn't like me, I'd much prefer if you just said it. You don't need to hide behind stupid excuses because it makes you look pathetic." Allura stood up, furiously brushing the crumbs off of her lap. The word pathetic echoed around my mind over and over and over and over again. "You do realise you're your own person, right? And, unless you're in a relationship or something, you are allowed to get numbers from people." The words were running out of her mouth before she was thinking about them and they hurt. Each one was a knife that pressed into my skin, as slowly and as painfully as possible. I stood up and backed away so that my feet knocked my chair backwards.

_Pathetic. Weak. Stupid. Useless. Pathetic. Weak. Stupid. Useless. No one loves you. Everyone wants to use you. Pathetic. Weak. Stupid. Useless. Pathetic._

I snapped out of the panic surfacing to meet her eyes. The same ones that had once been full of such kindness and sincerity had become dark and hollow. "You're so pathetic." Then she was storming out of the shop, leaving me speechless in the middle of Starbucks.

-

"Keith, I need to tell you something before the guilt eats me alive." I whispered, taking Keith's hand into my own. I was trembling violently, so much so that my teeth were chattering. Keith was watching me with a worried expression on his face: creased eyebrows and wide eyes. "Today, I went to Starbucks, right? There was this girl and she was really friendly. I sat with her and she almost gave me her number."

Keith didn't respond, waiting for me to continue. After a couple of seconds, he replied with, "Is that all?"

"Yeah. I know I'm not allowed friends but- but... don't worry I didn't actually get her number. I told her that I couldn't take it and-"

"Shut up, Lance," His voice was soft like a marshmallow. "Of course you're allowed friends."

"But Lotor-" Keith placed a gentle hand on my thigh and my heart beat fast in my chest. He rubbed it up and down whilst maintaining eye contact.

"What Lotor said was wrong. You're allowed friends, alright? You can get other people's numbers."

"You... You think?"

"I know, Lance. I know." Keith wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. That familiar scent of citrus hit my nostrils and immediately grounded. I knew I would forever find comfort in that smell just because it reminded me of Keith. Keith reminded me of safety.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just saying I got a C in my Spanish GCSE so my Spanish is probably bad ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

"Hey, Lance?" Keith spoke up out of the blue whilst we were watching a movie together one day. I had my head balanced on his lap and my eyes drifted up to meet his as an answer. "When was the last time you saw your family?"

"I don't know," I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. I wondered how much my siblings had grown up since I had last seen them. Luis would be thirteen, Marco fifteen and Veronica seventeen. I had missed out on seeing Veronica start college and Luis start secondary school. All because Lotor had told me they didn't care. Keith never failed to remind me that he lied about that. I couldn't help but worry there was an element of truth. "Maybe a year? A couple of years?"

"Would you want to see them?" I pictured their faces when I turned up on their doorstep, uninvited. I pictured Veronica rolling her eyes and my parents' look of disgust and disappointment.

"Not really." I admitted, pulling my legs up onto the sofa. I hugged them against my chest whilst I felt Keith's gaze burn into my side.

"How come? I bet they miss you a lot."

"They warned me about Lotor. They said he seemed a bit possessive but Lotor just said that they didn't really care and they hated him. He said that, in order to be with him," My breath hitched. I brought my hand to my face to rub at my eyes that were quickly filling with tears. "I needed to stop talking to my family. I chose him over my own family. My- My own family, Keith. I bet they hate me for that. I wouldn't blame them. I hate myself for what I did too."

Keith gently brought his hand through my hair. "They won't hate you. They'll probably just be happy to have you back."

"You don't know that..."

"At least give them a call?"

"Fine." I muttered and Keith handed me his phone. He had promised to buy me one but we hadn't gotten around to it yet. With shaky hands, I opened up the keypad to input my home phone number. I could remember it by heart and I didn't think I would ever forget it.

It rung about five times before someone picked up, grumbling, "Hello?" It sounded like Luis but his voice was so much deeper than I remembered it being. I couldn't help the sob rising in my throat and eventually escaping. I clasped a hand over my mouth and Keith rubbed my back a little. "Who is this?"

"Luis... It- It's Lance..." I mumbled after a moment and Luis literally squealed.

"Mamá! ¡Mamá! ¡Lance esta en el telefono!" **(Mum! Mum! Lance is on the phone!)** He sounded distant as he screamed, probably because he was covering part of the phone up. "I kept telling mum you'd come back but she said you'd left forever. I knew you wouldn't leave us like that."

"I miss you so much... how- how's secondary school?" I hated that my voice was a train wreck but I couldn't help the quivering.

"It's really good! I made loads of new friends and they're all really cool."

"That's good. How's Veronica getting on with college?"

"She comes home and complains about it all the time. She has a boyfriend too and they're literally never apart. It's really annoying and I think she might be having a late emo phase."

I let out a small chuckle: _typical Veronica_. At least I knew they were all doing alright. "Can I speak to mum or dad, please?"

"Yeah! Mamá hasn't been doing too well since you left but she's getting better. I used to hear her cry in her room but lately she hasn't done that. I think she just misses you a lot and wants you to come home. Are you coming home? I know Marco always joked that he would steal your bunk but he hasn't. Mamá wouldn't let him."

"Not permanently. I'm living with someone else right now."

"Lotor?"

"No, no. We broke up a while back. This guy's name is Keith and he's much nicer."

"Good. ¡Mamá!" A couple of moments and a lot of fumbling later, my mum was on the phone, sounding teary.

"Lance, cariño. **(Dear.)** I'm so glad you're alright." Her voice was trembling almost as much as mine, if not more.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. Lotor never treated me right and he convinced me that everyone I loved actually hated me and didn't care. I really wish I had just listened to you." Keith reached forward and wiped away my tears, setting a warmth up across my face.

"It's alright. Just know you're welcome home whenever and we will always love you. You're my baby: how could I ever hate you?"

"I don't know but I- I'm so glad Lotor was wrong. I never ever want to live without my family. Te amo tanto y- y los amo Luis y Marco y Veronica y papà." **(I love you so much and- and I love Luis and Marco and Veronica and dad.)** I clasped a hand over my mouth again as another sob escaped.

"We love you too, hijo. **(Son.)** Are you going to come and visit soon? We all miss you so much."

"I'll try to visit sometime. I haven't got a source of income at the moment or a car or anything."

Keith tapped my arm, whispering, "I don't mind taking you." I nodded as a silent sign of my gratitude.

"Who are you with? Is there another person there? I thought I heard someone."

"Uh... yeah. It's just my friend, Keith. He's been helping me out a lot and- and I guess he helped me figure out what Lotor did wasn't right."

"Can I speak to him?"

"If you want..." I handed the phone over and Keith took it, immediately grinning when he heard my mum's voice.

I could only hear Keith's side of the conversation and I don't think my imagination was creative enough to even contemplate what my mum could have been saying. Keith's face had turned the colour of a tomato and his words had been rendered nothing but stutters. He kept repeating minor sentences such as, "okay" and "I will", with more emphasis on the words each time. He concluded the conversation with, "I promise I'll take him to visit you," and then hung up the phone. He immediately tackled me into a hug, yelling, "I told you!"

"I can't believe it..." I murmured, wiping at my tear-filled eyes. Keith was looking at me with a large sense of pride and it made me feel so _loved_. It made me feel wanted. Appreciated. Like I was worth something.

We sat there in silence, both just admiring the moment. Then Keith lifted up his head, furrowed his eyebrows and mumbled, "You're Spanish?"

"I'm from Cuba actually." A smile tugged at my lips as I watched Keith get more and more confused.

"How did I not know that?"

"It just hasn't come up in conversation, I guess."

That night, we curled up on his single bed and I fell asleep in his arms. I didn't wake up and have a panic attack. I slept soundly: I just felt _safe_.


	19. Chapter 19

“Look outside…” Keith muttered one morning. I raised my eyebrows but complied, pulling the curtains apart to glance into the front garden. There was about two centimetres of snow covering the floor and there were snowflakes still dancing in the air. I didn’t quite understand why Keith sounded so dejected. I was grinning like a child, ready to grab my trainers and winter gear to go out and play in it. “Are you coming to work with me today?” I glanced out into the front garden, watching a small boy gather up a ball of snow in his hands. 

“Of course.” As much as I wanted to go make snow angels and have snowball fights with other people, I liked to work with Keith. It made me feel a little less guilty about taking his money and staying in his house without paying rent. Keith had given me so much; the least I could do was offer something in return. It wasn’t like I hated the job either: there was something calming about taking orders and giving out change to customers.

“You’re going to need to wrap up then. We should really get you some gloves…” Keith was pulling his large coat over his shoulders and wrapping his scarf around his neck. I took my own coat and tugged it on. “You can have mine. I’ll survive without.”

“I can’t take them… You’ll freeze.”

“It’s honestly fine.” I decided against arguing and slipped them on, my cold hands grateful of the soft warmth. “Come on then, Lance-y Lance.” I smiled gently, stepping outside into the ice cold air. I let out a small breath, watching as it rose up into the air. I took Keith’s hand into my own to warm it up but it was ineffective. Keith wasn’t complaining though. With the hand that wasn’t holding mine, Keith locked the door. We turned and walked down the path together, our boots making crunching noises against the snow as we did so.

I had always loved the crunch. I closed my eyes to focus on it and drive my mind away from the chill spreading right through the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. “You know, if you keep your eyes shut, you’re going to walk into somebody… or something.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, immediately jolting my eyes open. I watched as Keith’s face fell and he squeezed my hand encouragingly. I couldn’t help but notice his fingertips were bright red and probably on the verge of contracting frostbite.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to apologise.” I know he said that but I couldn’t believe him. I just couldn’t. I remained silent the rest of the way to the coffee shop, assuming I had upset Keith by closing my eyes. It sounded petty but I couldn’t risk it.

-

“You’ve been so quiet today. Is something wrong?” Keith questioned once the shop had gone quiet for the first time since they had arrived. Because of the cold weather, we had been relatively busy with orders of hot chocolates and other warm drinks. Most of the chairs were filled which was a rare occurrence, since the shop was just a backstreet cafe that not many people knew existed. Despite how hectic the floor was, there wasn’t much of a queue. Personally, I didn’t understand why it wasn’t more popular because their drinks were to die for (not that I was biased at all).

“Nothing’s wrong,” I mumbled before remembering Lotor’s words. They rang through my brain like a broken record that wasn’t anything besides annoying, though you couldn’t stop it. _Liars get punished_. My body tensed up at the thought as I refused to meet Keith’s gaze. “Are you… going to punish me?” My voice was quiet; barely there.

“What?”

“Earlier, you told me off for having my eyes shut. Aren’t you going to take away my privilege to go outside or something?”

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“So that I won’t do it again.” I was saying it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was to me. The idea of being punished for doing bad things had been nailed in my brain ever since I had started going out with Lotor. I was conditioned to respond in such a way. I didn’t understand why Keith’s rules differed so much from Lotor’s.

“I’m not going to do that, Lance. I’m not- I’m not Lotor.” His voice cracked. We met eyes just long enough for me to drink in the look of pity and sadness.

“Oh.” I dropped my gaze to the floor and he placed a soft hand on my shoulder. I stiffened at the touch, well aware that he felt bad for me. I just didn’t know why.

-

“I invited Hunk and Pidge over.” As soon as the words escaped his lips, I froze and all of the colour drained from my usually tanned face. I could feel Keith’s concern radiating from him but I tried my hardest to remain composed. I could only hope that he hadn’t noticed the trembling of my fingertips and how I had hunched over so he couldn’t see my face.

“W-When are they coming?” My voice somehow came out even shakier than my body, something I didn’t think was possible.

“Tonight,” He shuffled over on the sofa so that our thighs were just about touching. I bit my lip, eyes glaring into the area where we were making contact. “I thought we could order takeout or something? Maybe we could have a Disney movie marathon as well? I know how much you secretly like The Lion King.”

I didn’t say another word, settling with a simple nod. I knew what Keith’s words meant. Lotor would never ever let me forget the hidden insinuation behind inviting someone over. I shuddered, stealing a quick look at Keith’s hopeful expression.

“Are you okay? You’re really tense.”

“I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Oh… Is it because we’re sleeping together because I-”

“No, no. I like sleeping together.”

Keith murmured, “Me too…” probably with the assumption that I wouldn’t have been able to hear it. 

-

A knock on the door made me jolt from my position on the sofa. I didn’t want Keith to let them in because I was fully aware of what was going to happen. Maybe if I hid, I wouldn’t have to see them and I’d be safe.

_Hands in places they shouldn't be. He's kind of cute, isn't he? He looks scared. Hands in places they shouldn't be. You love me, right? Tell me you love me. Show me you love me. You need to prove it, Lance. Cute. Scared. You love me, right? You need to prove it, Lance. Come on. Prove it._

I didn’t want to prove it. My breathing picked up in frequency, my entire body becoming as stiff as a board. A hand on my shoulder thrust me back into reality. Keith was watching me with furrowed eyebrows, his touch lingering longer than necessary. Any other time I would have appreciated the contact but, at that moment, all I wanted was space. “Are you feeling okay?” I forced myself to nod but, as he walked towards the front door, I felt far from okay.

_No, no, no! I don't want to do this. Make it stop, please! It hurts. Lotor, please. No, no, no! Make it stop! I can't take it anymore! Let go of me. I love you but I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Make it stop! No, no, no!_

I stood up and raced towards the bathroom before Keith could return. I slammed the door as quickly as possible, locking it so that nobody else would be able to get in. I pressed my back up against it, my breathing heavy. I slid down to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest as I tried my hardest not to cry. I was completely numb to the coldness of the tiles against me, my only worry being my anxiety. I could hardly breathe and the room seemed to be shrinking by the minute. I buried my head into my knees and scrunched my eyes shut in a weak attempt to imagine I was anywhere else but stuck inside the bathroom. I could hear Keith shouting my name but he sounded far away.

_He’s going to be angry at me. I didn’t want to get punished. I needed to stay locked inside the bathroom where I was safe. No one could get me in here._

I let out a heavy sob as someone started to frantically knock on the bathroom door. I half expected someone to yell at me but all I heard was a mixture of distant mutters. I couldn’t make out what was being said but I could imagine it. They were making fun of me. They were planning how to get to me. They were laughing at how pathetic I was being. Static was racing through my head and it hurt. So much. My head was pounding and it just _wouldn’t stop_ , as much as I silently begged it to. I covered my ears with my hands, desperate to drown out the high-pitched static but to no avail.

“Please don’t do this… I-I’ll be better!” I cried out, nothing but pure terror running through my veins. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lance. Please just come out and we can have a chat. I could make you a hot chocolate or something? Then we can order that pizza and watch The Lion King. I know you love that movie.”

“You’re lying!” I knew he was. Lotor did that too. He tried to coax me into a situation with a false sense of security just so I would comply. Then he would hurt me. “You’re going to hurt me for being bad. Please- Please don’t. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Hey, hey, hey. I am not going to- nor will I ever- hurt you. I hate to see you hurt.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, of course I promise.”

“Do… Do Hunk and Pidge think I’m pathetic?”

“No. They’re just worried about you.” I stood up with shaky legs and unlocked the door slowly. I wiped my teary eyes with my fists, the static dulled for a moment. I stepped out into the hall and Keith very nearly hugged me but I ducked away from it. 

“Don’t- Don’t come near me. Please. I- I just need space.”

“Okay,” Keith responded but his tone connoted disappointment. “Hunk’s making you a hot chocolate, alright? Just how you like it with the mini marshmallows.” I nodded, hunching my shoulders over so that I wouldn’t have to meet his gaze.

My panic attack was the elephant in the room as we all piled back into the living room. Keith switched on The Lion King but Hunk and Pidge seemed to afraid to speak. Keith’s attempts of starting a conversation were rather pathetic too. I just sat on the sofa, trying my hardest to make myself as small as possible whilst my eyes were fixed on the television.

Eventually, Keith brought up the topic of pizza that sparked Hunk and Pidge’s interest. My stomach grumbled loudly in response, eliciting a small laugh from Keith. I felt too nauseated for food so the grumble was deceiving. “What should we order?”

“I vote Hawaiian.” Pidge exclaimed a little too loudly, lifting their hand into the air. Their raised voice made me flinch but I covered it up by running a hand through my messy hair. 

Hunk’s face squished up in disgust. “No, you heathen. Vegetarian!”

“Would you kill me if I said regular old margherita? Lance?” Everyone turned to look at me but I kept my gaze fixed on The Lion King. I didn’t bother to reply, keeping my lips pursed shut. Keith noticed my lack of compliance and filled the awkward silence. “We could just get one of each and Lance could pick out what he wanted?”

“Sounds good. Right, Lance?”

They really wanted my input but I wasn’t feeling up to interaction. If I had a choice, I’d have gone up to Keith’s room and tucked myself under the covers where I knew I could be safe. I’d have wrapped myself up like a burrito so that not even the air could get to my body. I wanted the safety of blankets and not the interrogative looks of my friends. I wanted to hide away for the rest of eternity. They soon gave up trying to talk to me and moved onto actually ordering the pizza. 

-

Just the smell of the pizza made me wince. I wasn’t feeling up to eating. Keith decided to move into the seat beside me, obviously about to tempt me into eating something. He had a slice of margherita pizza in his hand and was holding it out towards me. The scent of melted cheese was rising into my nostrils but it made me feel more nauseated than hungry. “You need to eat, Lance. Please.” He murmured, knowing full well that Hunk and Pidge’s eyes were trained on me. “You didn’t even drink your hot chocolate. Hunk made it especially for you to cheer you up.”

I glanced at the drink that was sat, abandoned, on the coffee table. It was probably stone cold but, still, I reached out for it. The marshmallows had completely melted, making the hot chocolate a light brown colour with some lumps of white on top. My hands were trembling, making the cup shake. _Hunk had put time into making it; the least I could do was drink it._ I was about to bring it towards my lips but Keith’s hand locked around my wrist. 

“Don’t drink it if you don’t want to. I’m sure it’s cold by now.”

“But- But Hunk made it and-”

As if reading my mind, Keith responded, “You shouldn’t feel bad. He doesn’t mind, do you Hunk?” Hunk shook his head, holding up a double thumbs up. “He just wants you to be okay.” Keith pried the mug from my hand and placed it back on the table. 

“I’m sorry for being an inconvenience…”

“You aren’t an inconvenience, alright? You just need to eat so that you don’t get sick.”

Just to shut him up, I took a tiny bite of the greasy pizza. He smiled and sank back down into his seat, eating more pizza. He seemed satisfied with my weak attempt.


	20. Chapter 20

In the morning, I felt a lot better. At some point throughout the night, I had moved so that Keith's arms were around me and I didn't wake up in a state of panic. In fact, I woke up and felt warm and at home. I closed my eyes and breathed in the vague smell of citrus.

"Do you want to visit your family today?" Keith asked in a hushed voice once he realised I was awake. He buried his head into my hair and secured his arm around me.

"I don't think they'd want to see me." I whispered back and Keith sighed behind me.

"You know they want to see you. Don't you remember that conversation you had with them on the phone? They were so happy that you got in contact with them again."

"I know but I'm scared. I'm e-embarrassed..." Keith pulled me closer so that I was pressed right up against him. "They told me not to stay with Lotor and I didn't listen. I'm such a mess now too. I've changed so much..."

"Changed how, love?"

The pet name made me blush but Keith never took it back. "I'm so much more anxious now. I don't like it when people touch me... except you, of course. I'm not loud anymore at all. I've become more reserved and quiet. They're going to hate it, Keith. Lotor took me away from them and- and even though I'm back physically, I'm still not quite there mentally."

"They won't blame you. This isn't your fault."

"It is though. I should have listened to them. They're my family. Of course I shouldn't have walked out on them and not trusted them like that."

"You didn't know. Love can cloud your judgements and make you do things you wouldn't usually do. It is not your fault that Lotor turned out to be an absolute jerk."

"I know but... why did I trust him?"

"Because you were in love. How were you supposed to know what he was really like?"

"I don't know..."

"See, not your fault. It's his for being a jerk." Keith pressed a kiss to the back off my head and my face lit up even brighter. How Keith could kiss my head before I had my morning shower and washed my hair, I did not know.

"Let's go then," I whispered, closing my eyes gently as an attempt to raise my courage. "Before I change my mind."

-

I thought I was going to puke whilst I waited for someone to open up the front door. I had an iron grip on Keith's hand as I continuously shifted my weight from one foot to another. Just as I was about to bail or turn and vomit in the bushes, the door flew open to reveal my youngest brother. Luis' face lit up like the sun as he ran forward and hugged me tightly. I stiffened but was quick to melt into the warmth. His head managed to reach my shoulder, even at my lanky height. He had grown so much since I had last seen him.

"Would you prefer if I left you guys alone?" Keith asked from where he was awkwardly standing beside me and Luis.

"Please stay." I murmured and Keith nodded, reaching for my hand. Luis pulled me inside and started to ramble about how much everyone had missed me. I knew my cheeks were heating up out of embarrassment but I truly was glad to be home.

I was bombarded with hugs from everyone as I entered the living room. Veronica hung back a little but, as soon as I was separated from the others, she engulfed me in an embrace too. She buried her head into my shoulder and, when she pulled back, I could have sworn my shirt was a bit damp but she didn't appear to have been crying. "I missed you all so much." Tears were welling up in my own eyes but, as much as I wanted to cry, I couldn't. I had to stay strong for my family.

"If I had known you were coming, I'd have cooked something! You should have warned me in advance, hijo. I could cook you something now if you-" My mum was staring to ramble so I cut her off.

"There's no need for that, mum. We just ate lunch."

"But you look so small. Have you been eating properly?" My mum's eyes were essentially interrogating me so I shrunk back. Keith noticed and reached out to rub my arm. His presence never failed to ground me.

"He's getting better. I think it's best we don't talk about how he is." Keith spoke up. I hung my head in shame: I needed someone else to say what was on my mind. I couldn't even stand up for myself.

"Sorry. We've just got so much catching up to do! Did you know Veronica can drive now?" I turned to look at my sister who was grinning proudly.


	21. Chapter 21

My mum insisted on cooking us dinner so we ended up sitting around my kitchen table. Keith was squished in between me and Marco whilst Luis was sat the other side of me. We started to dig into the meal and it was unlike anything I had ever tasted in months. My mum was watching me closely as I shovelled the food into my mouth, smiling dreamily at the taste. "So you and Keith..." My mum started and I looked up, mouthful. My fork was frozen mid air, a few centimetres away from my lips. "Are you together?"

My face heated up substantially and the fork almost fell from my grip. "No, no, no. He's just a friend, mamá."

"Oh, perdón. I just thought you two seemed... never mind."

"Seemed what?" Keith blurted out before the topic could shift.

"I don't know. You won't leave his side. You're kind of protective but in a good way."

"¡Mamá!”

"I ship it. Isn't that what the kids say these days?" My mum chuckled, eliciting a loud laugh from me, Keith and Veronica. I had a sudden urge to shove my face into my food just so I wouldn't have to hear them talking anymore.

"Mamá, eres la mejor. **(You are the best.)** I can tell you all now, I kind of ship you too. I mean, have you seen the way you look at each other? You're like a pair of sappy teenagers." Veronica chipped in and, just as I was about to slam my head down against the table so hard that I would get a concussion, Keith spoke.

"I don't think it matters whether you 'ship' us or not because feelings are feelings and they cannot be controlled. Lance has been through a lot and he isn't ready for another relationship yet."

Veronica choked on the piece of broccoli she was eating, harshly patting the front of her chest. "It was just a joke. No need to take it so seriously."

"I'm sorry," Keith glanced down into his meal, his eyebrows furrowed. "This is lovely by the way. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me. I should be thanking you for keeping my hijo safe." She sent me a smile, her eyes sparkling beneath the light. She was hardly blinking, as if looking away for just one second would lead to me disappearing again.

-

We were huddled around Marco's PlayStation, playing a game called Overcooked. Marco was holding onto the remote, leant forward as he focused on the game. Veronica had the same determination as she moved the joystick. Keith wasn't looking at the screen: I could feel his gaze against me. I turned to meet his eyes and he blushed, looking ahead. When Marco and Veronica finished their level, they handed their remotes to me and Keith.

Fully determined to beat my siblings' two stars, I ensured my fingers were moving like lightning. My character (the panda bear) was holding some chopped up fish and I pushed the stick forward with as much power as possible- not that it made him move any faster.

"¡Vamos, vamos! **(Go, go!)** " Luis screamed, his voice cracking slightly. Keith took the fish from me and shoved them onto a plate. The timer was counting down and my heart was beating much faster than usual. It was like a bomb on the verge of detonating. There weren't any more plates available and I heard Keith grunt in dismay beside me, desperately running around with some more chopped up fish. Five. Four. Three. After I washed up a plate, Keith took it and dropped the dish onto it. He sprinted to the counter and served it just as the counter hit zero.

Ridiculous amounts of tension thick in the air, our score were revealed. Three stars. "Yes!" I yelled, holding up my hand for Keith to high five.

"I want a new partner." Marco whined, pouting and bringing a hand through his long fringe. Veronica snapped her head up from her phone and sent him a nasty glare.

"You were the one who kept forgetting to wash up the plates!" She yelled, making me jump a little bit. Keith noticed my alarm and placed a gentle hand on my thigh. I shifted in my seat and pushed the hand away, ignoring the hurt look he sent me. Some shouting wasn't enough to trigger me into a panic attack. I could handle it on my own.

"At least I actually chopped stuff and didn't stand around like an idiot!"

"I did more than you!"

As I stared at my sister's fuming expression, I felt my heart skip a beat. I didn't realise just how much I had missed hearing my siblings bicker until I got it back. I wanted to appreciate it, as nasty as arguing was. Eventually, my mum split them up by turning the PlayStation off. "¿Puede estar tranquilo? **(can you be quiet?)** Esto es embarazoso. **(it is embarrassing)** " She muttered, picking up the remotes and placing them on the table. Luis pouted and folded his arms against his chest like a toddler amidst a tantrum.

"This is unfair! I didn't even get a turn!" He screech, making me laugh softly. My lips curved up into a smile and I couldn't stop myself from leaning forward and wrapping my little brother in a hug. He froze, obviously confused, but soon hugged me back. Tears welled up in my eyes as I buried my head into his shoulder. I felt multiple pairs of arms wrap around me too and it took an embarrassing amount of time for me to realise we were amidst a group hug.

"Los quiero a todos. **(I love you all)** " I whispered and it didn't matter that nobody responded.

-

"I'm an emotional mess," I whined as I collapsed backwards onto Keith's bed. Keith let out a soft laugh before falling down beside me. We stared up at the ceiling that was hardly an appealing view but neither of us minded. I shut my eyes and imagined laying on the beach with a breeze washing over both of us. "I can't stop crying." I didn't even see the point in wiping away the tears anymore so I was just letting them fall.

"Hey, that's okay," Keith rolled over to face me, his voice softer than a cushion. "I'm sure seeing your family again was overwhelming after all this time." I turned so that I could look at him too. Our noses were just centimetres apart.

"Yeah... it was weird. Luis is so big now. I- I missed my little brother grow up."

"He's still going to grow even more, Lance. You won't miss that."

"Well yeah but... what if they don't want me around?"

"They obviously do. You saw how happy they were with you earlier." Keith reached out and brushed his hand against my shoulder. I tensed but, as soon as his hand came to a standstill, I relaxed again. "They want you in their lives. I know it."

"I feel so bad. I just left them and ran off with some guy I knew they hated. I'm such an idiot."

"You aren't an idiot. We've talked about this before. You loved him and feelings can't be controlled. I- I know that all too well." Keith mumbled the last sentence but I just about caught it. His eyebrows creased and, for a brief moment, I thought he might have looked slightly tearful.

"What do you mean?" Keith's hand fell from my shoulder and I almost asked him to put it back.

"I told you. I like you. I kind of wish I didn't because it's unfair on you but I do. And- And I can't control that."

"I know you can't." I shuffled closer so that our noises were touching. Keith avoided my gaze so I took it upon myself to place my hand on his hip. I leant forward ever so slowly until our lips brushed against each other. My hand was trembling violently as he started to kiss back and move his hand into my hair. I pulled back a minute or so later, my chest rising and falling at a rapid pace.

"No, no," Keith scrambled up onto his feet, shaking his hands rapidly in front of him. I felt my heart drop to the floor, smashing into a million pieces. Keith was giving me mixed messages. "Lance, don't force yourself into this. You aren't ready."

I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and staring down at my lap. "I- I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I can wait as long as you need."


	22. Chapter 22

"Guess what!" Keith exclaimed, hands behind his back. I squinted my eyes, attempting to read his expression for any hints. His cheeks were slightly red and he was wearing a large grin but it wasn't giving me enough information to deduct much.

"I don't know..." I trailed off, eyes flicking down to his feet and back up. Still no hints.

"I got you a present!" Keith brought his hands around to his front to reveal a miniature gift bag with a bow on it. I reached for it and opened it up, hands trembling the entire time. Soon enough, my eyes laid upon a box with the Apple logo on it.

"Keith, you shouldn't have." I pulled it open and gently picked up the iPhone. It was only fifth generation (so not the newest) but it was perfect. I had only expected him to get me a Nokia brick or a crappy flip up phone. I hugged it against my chest. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I kept repeating as he chuckled softly.

"Plug it into the charger and I will help you set it up properly. I can give you Hunk and Pidge's numbers."

Once the phone was plugged in on the living room table, I engulfed Keith into a long hug, burying my head into his shoulder. "You're the best."

"I know."

-

We were in the same position as we had been in when we kissed, laying on the bed together. The lights had been turned off and Keith was facing the wall, eyes shut as he attempted to fall asleep. I couldn't stop tossing and turning until Keith grunted beside me, mumbling, "Are you alright? You keep hogging the cover."

"I'm sorry." I shuffled out of most of the cover so he had the majority of it. He gratefully wrapped himself up but didn't turn back to the wall.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I'm ready."

"What?"

"I think I'm ready, Keith."

"What on earth are you talking about? It's like one in the morning. Go to sleep." His voice was a telltale sign he was exhausted but I didn't want to stop talking. I wanted Keith to know how I felt and I wanted him to know exactly in that moment. It couldn't wait until morning.

"I'm ready to date you." His face lit up a little but his eyebrows remained furrowed and his eyes glossy with sleep.

"You are? Are you sure?"

"Yeah..." Cautiously, I held out my hand between our bodies so he could take it. My heart skipped so many beats that I thought I was going to pass out as I waited for him to intertwine our fingers. "Keith, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Can it wait until the morning?"

"Oh," My face fell but I quickly hid it with a fake smile. "Okay."

"I'm joking. Of course I'll be your boyfriend."

-

I had my head leant on my arm that I had balanced on the counter, quietly humming a song that Keith often listened to. I didn't know what it was called but I knew it was by Muse. They were his favourite band. Keith had just gone out into the back to get some more cups since we were running low so it was just me out the front. The shop was surprisingly empty for a Thursday evening so I was on the verge of falling asleep on the job. When the bell jingled above the door, I cast my eyes over to it without thinking. As soon as I realised who it was, I was wide awake again. I could recognise that long, wispy hair and those glaring eyes from anywhere. Lotor.

Before I could even consider rushing out back to get Keith, Lotor walked up to the counter like he owned the place. He hovered his hand over mine and I tensed up, unable to do anything but stand there like a statue. "Please come home, Lance." He widened his eyes in a way that reminded me of Veronica's old 'puppy dog eyes' but I wasn't an idiot. I knew what he was trying to do and I wasn't going to have any of it.

"No. I never want to see you again, Lotor. I- I hate you. You hurt me so much and I'm actually glad you threw me out. Everything's better now that you're out of my life."

"Don't say that. You know I was helping you. Keith just thinks you're annoying and nothing but a burden. He'll kick you out as soon as he's done with you."

"No, he won't." Nervously, I glanced at the door out back, wondering what was taking Keith so long. He had been out there for a whole five minutes. Surely it didn't take that long to grab some plastic takeaway cups.

"Yes, he will. Don't you remember me telling you that I'm the only one who will ever want or love you? That's still true and I will forgive you for everything you did you come back with me right now."

"I don't want to go back. Keith treats me like an actual human being."

"You're going to regret this," Lotor leaned over the counter and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. "You're mine, Lance. If you don't come back to me then-"

"Back off." Keith saved the day like my actual hero. I could almost imagine him dressed up with a cape flowing behind him and a large lion logo on his chest. The light above his head shone down on him like a spotlight. "He doesn't want to see you anymore. Just take the hint, man."

"You're wrong. He loves me and I love him. He needs to come home and he will if he knows what's best for him."

"You're such a manipulative jerk."

"I'm just using the truth to my advantage. Lance is a freak and no one will ever love him like I did. You'll grow sick of him like everyone else has and he'll come running back to me, begging me to take him back."

"Lance is not a freak. I actually love him a lot, even if we're still figuring things out. I will never get sick of him."

"Oh yeah? Just you wait. He's pathetic and anxious and socially inept. He gets triggered at the most ridiculous things and it's stupid. I don't see how anyone-"

I didn't stay around to hear the end of it because I knew, if I remained in the room any longer, I'd have a panic attack and just prove Lotor's points correct. I knew my way back to Keith's by heart but I didn't have the key so I wouldn't have been able to get in. I didn't have enough dignity to walk back in the coffee shop to get the keys so I just headed to the nearby park.

I was shivering the entire walk there because I had left my coat back at the shop and, by the time I sat down on one of the benches, my teeth were chattering too. I brought my legs up onto the chair and hugged them tightly against my chest. My tears were warm against my bright red, freezing cold cheeks. I buried my head into my knees and tried to remember how to breathe. Lotor's insults were echoing around my mind, reminding me just how bad a person I was.

_Why did Keith even love me?_

I heard loud footsteps and heavy breathing I was certain didn't belong to me before someone started to talk softly. When I glanced up, I saw Keith. His nose was bleeding and his mouth was moving at a rapid pace but everything was just so _fuzzy_. Static danced around my brain, rendering his words inaudible. I clasped my hands over my ears and scrunched my eyes shut.

_Freak. Pathetic. Stupid. Anxious. Socially inept. Freak. Pathetic. Stupid. Anxious. I can't breathe. I want it to stop. Freak. Pathetic. Stupid. Anxious. Socially inept._

"Love, I need you to breathe with me, alright? Count your breaths." The voice was distant but it was just about coherent. I tried my hardest, clenching my hands into fists as I did so.

_Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. One. Inhale. Exhale. Two. Inhale. Exhale. Three. Four. Five._

"Lance, can you open your eyes for me and tell me what you can see?"

I cracked my eyes open ever so slightly, wincing against the harsh light. "I can see you. A tree. A woman walking her dog."

"What can you smell?"

I took a moment to take in a long breath through my nose. A man was a few metres away, taking a long swig of a cigarette. "Smoke."

"Hear?"

"Your voice and- and birds. The trees rustling in the wind too."

Keith slid into the seat beside me. "Is it okay if I touch you, love?" I nodded so he cautiously wrapped an arm around my side. I learnt my head on his shoulder and stared at the tree directly in front of us. "How are you feeling?"

I didn't realise but my breathing had calmed down substantially. My hands that had once been tense had become limp at my sides. "Better." I eventually mumbled. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me. I just want you to be okay."

"Keith, what happened to your nose?"

Keith's eyebrows furrowed and he glanced down at his lap. "I basically told Lotor to fuck off and I don't think he appreciated it. He punched me but he did leave."

"I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry if I- I'm annoying and get triggered really easily. I'm sure what Lotor said was true and- and I'm just a burden. You can leave me if you want. I'd understand."

"Lance, shut up." Keith was so abrupt and it caught me off guard. I stiffened so Keith started to rub his hand against my arm to help me relax again. "This isn't your fault and Lotor is nothing but a liar. He manipulates you into believing the crap that comes out of his mouth. You're an amazing person and I literally can't see any faults in you. To me, you're basically perfect. You're attractive and funny and smart and-"

"Keith... I'm none of those things." Keith cupped my chin with both of his hands and turned my head so I was looking into his sparkling eyes.

"Yes, you are. I will remind you as much as I possibly can because you are those things. I started to like you for a reason, you know? I want you to understand just how awesome you really are."

"If this was a fanfiction you'd be saying Lotor's words were poison and you were the antidote right now." A smirk tugged at my lips. I watched Keith's eyes fall to look at it.

"Lotor's words were poison and I-" I cut him off because I wanted every single part of it to be real. I pressed my lips against his, our eyes falling shut as we both melted into the kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him as close as possible.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I whispered, burying my head into the crook of his neck. Citrus.

"Everything. You did everything to deserve me."

"Hey... uh... who's looking after the shop?"

"I shut it for a bit. We weren't very busy anyway."


	23. Chapter 23

I noticed that Keith questioned whether I was okay rather often and it irritated me. Most of the time, his gaze was burning into me from whichever direction. It made me feel uncomfortable- as if he was waiting for me to do something wrong. One day, I had had enough. He was sat with his laptop but he hadn't even glanced at the screen in about ten minutes because he was looking at _me_. "Can you please stop staring..?" I mumbled, trying my hardest not to make eye contact with him.

"Sorry, sorry..." He replied, turning back to his laptop. For a second, I thought it was okay but then he was looking at me again. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Keith. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"You seem kind of-"

"I'm fine, Keith."

"Fine-"

"I'm not a baby!" I raised my voice much louder than I had anticipated in my head. Keith's mouth fell open, speechless. "I'm absolutely, 100% fine. I would tell you if I wasn't so stop treating me like a kid. You don't need to skate on thin ice around me all the time. I want to be treated like a normal human being and not like someone who is on the verge of breaking-"

"Sorry, Lance, I just-"

"No, let me finish! You're allowed to tell me when I'm annoying and you're allowed to tell me what to do sometimes. We both know I'm fucked up and I hate that we never talk about it. I can't get better if you keep treating me like I'm so broken. You need to let me be independent and conquer my emotions on my own sometimes."

"Don't you understand how scared I am?"

"What?" Suddenly my string of words came to a halt and I became the one who was rendered speechless. Keith shut his laptop and placed it on the sofa cushion beside him.

"You've been through much more than any human ever deserves to go through and I'm scared for you. What if one day you decide you can't handle it anymore? Lotor fed you so many lies and I can't stand it! You're allowed to talk to other people and go outside! You should be able to do those things without- without expecting a punishment!"

"I can't help it! This is what I'm used to. This is what I think is right."

"It isn't right, Lance. It never will be right. You're a human being and you can't be controlled. You can do whatever you want without having to be scared that I'll ban you from seeing your friends of whatever." Keith rubbed his face with his hands, looking like he was about to punch something... or someone. I subconsciously shrunk back in my seat.

"I was happy with Lotor so it was fine. Everything he did was okay and-"

"Shut up. Please just... _shut up_. What he did wasn't at all right and I hate him for doing it to you. You don't love him and he never loved you. You just need to face that."

"He did love me and I loved him! He gave me a place to live and he looked after me-"

"Looked after you? That's hilarious. He treated you like shit. You deserve so much better than him."

"I don't though!" Keith stood up and kicked the base of the chair, his hands clenching into fists. I got up onto my feet too, backing up ever so slightly.

"I know you're insecure but will you please just... _shut up_. I can't listen to this anymore."

"It's the truth, Keith... and you know it."

"I need to go out." Keith's words had become angry mutters as he stormed into the hallway to grab his jacket. "Don't expect me back for a while."

"Wait, Keith. I'm sorry. Please don't leave-" But it was too late. He had already slammed the door in my face.

-

When Keith finally returned, I was sat at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him. I had been sat there for the entire three hours he had been gone. At first I had been crying but that eventually stopped until I was just shivering. I had my arms wrapped around my legs as my teeth chattered and my eyes burned. The door opened slowly, as if Keith was attempting to sneak in but, as soon as he saw me, he realised he wasn't going to get away with it.

"Look, Lance, I-" He started but I was quick to cut him off.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you earlier. I didn't mean to get angry and I- I really hope you can forgive me. Please don't punish me because I promise I'll be good. I won't shout again. Just please- please don't hurt me." I reached out to grab a hold of his sleeve, holding onto it like it meant everything to me. Keith stared at my hand for a moment in an attempt to understand the situation.

"You don't need to apologise. I should be the one saying sorry. I took it way out of hand and I'm sorry I walked out. I won't punish you because you don't deserve it, alright? You're okay and I'm not angry anymore. I just needed to calm down."

I bit my lip and nodded (but I still didn't let go of his sleeve). "Please don't leave me."

"I won't. I promise you. Now... do you want to go straight to bed or watch a movie? You can pick?"

"...Movie, please."


	24. Chapter 24

I sat up one morning and my stomach did something similar to a backflip. I had to clasp a hand over my mouth so I didn't puke right there and then, onto Keith's bed covers. Keith wasn't next to me which turned out to be a good thing when I threw the cover to the side and sprinted into the bathroom. I immediately vomited into the toilet. Keith must have heard me gagging because he appeared at the door. Apparently I had forgotten to shut it amidst my rush to the bathroom. "Are you alright?" He questioned softly.

"No. I think I'm _dying_." I muttered, practically hugging the toilet bowl as if I was a child holding onto their favourite teddy bear.

"Should I ask Shiro to cover my shift at Lion?"

"Why would you do that?" I was genuinely confused as I shakily got up onto my feet. I leant onto Keith just so my legs wouldn't give out.

"To look after you, you dumbo. You're sick and I don't want to leave you alone."

"You don't need to stay with me. Just go to work."

"Nope. Shiro won't mind. Come on, let's get you back to bed." Keith wrapped his arm around me and helped me get back to the bedroom. I didn't realise just how cold I had been until I was tucked back under the warm blankets again. "Would you like some tea? Soup? Water?"

"Nope. I'd rather die."

"You aren't allowed to do that. Do you want me to put on Netflix whilst I get you some water anyway?"

"I can do that-" Keith's gaze told me not to argue so I gave up. "Okay... but only if you get in bed with me when you get back."

"You're going to give me your disease." Keith muttered before grabbing the TV remote from his desk. As he opened up Netflix, I heard him whisper, "But it would so be worth it."

"Put on Brooklyn Nine-Nine! I've been meaning to binge watch it since Hunk said he liked it ages ago." Keith smiled, clicking into the TV show. He placed the remote on the table beside me and left the room.

About ten minutes later, he returned with a glass of water in his hand. He placed it on the side before lifting up the cover and slipping beneath it. I leant my head into his shoulder as he wrapped a protective arm around me.

-

"I knew I shouldn't have let you kiss me that one time..." Keith murmured beneath his breath, clutching a plastic bowl. Violently shivering, he heaved and puked what little he had eaten for lunch. I rubbed circles against his back, knowing it was entirely my fault. I had practically begged him to kiss me.

"It's not my fault you're so... kissable."

"You're disgusting," He weakly slapped my shoulder and I was proud of myself for not flinching. "Can you get me some soup. I need soup."

"Soup will soon replace the blood in your veins."

"Good because I want to _die_."

"No, you don't. You can't die on me, cariño."

"What did you call me?"

"Nothing."

"Stop speaking in Spanish. I failed it in school."

"It means darling or dear. I try to be nice and you just don't appreciate it." I turned away, my hair flicking to the side as I did so. Keith smiled apologetically before pressing a light kiss against my jaw.

-

Keith was kissing me softly, his hands sliding beneath my shirt. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy it, kissing back with an equal amount of lust. We were up in Keith's room so he was easily able to push me down onto the bed. We pulled apart for just long enough for a breath before he was kissing me again.

Hands in places they shouldn't be. I don't want this. You love me, right? I don't want this. Hands in places they shouldn't be. Pain. Stop crying, you baby. You love me so you have to do this.

I took a deep breath to ground myself and let Keith's hands fumble for the bottom of my shirt. He pulled it over my head, leaving my bare chest on display. Keith leant down and started to kiss just below my collarbone, making me shiver. "You want this, yeah?" He murmured in between kisses. I nodded, trying to do it in a way that didn't appear stiff. Lotor would get angry if I didn't seem interested.

Tracing his hand down my chest, he reached the top of my jeans. The motion sent yet another shiver up the back of my spine and I let out a gentle whine. Slowly, Keith started to unbutton my trousers and pull them down. I scrunched my eyes shut, my breathing picking up in frequency all of a sudden.

Hands in places they shouldn't be. I don't want this. Yes, you do, Lance. You love me, right? Yes. Yes, of course I love you. Then do this. Stop crying. You love me and you have to show it. I don't want this. Please. Please don't make me do this. Stop crying, you baby. You want this. I know you do. Stop. Please stop.

"Lance?" Keith's voice was soft and it broke me out of whatever trance I had fallen into. My jeans had been discarded on the floor, along with my shirt. I was trembling violently, only then realising just how cold it was.

"Why did you stop?" I asked but my voice cracked. Keith leaned over me and wiped my cheeks with his hand. His wide, worried eyes stared into my own.

"Why are you crying? Did- Didn't you want this?"

"Keith, I-"

"Were you going to let me... even though you didn't want to?" I let out a choked sob I didn't realise I had been holding back and Keith took that as my answer. "I need space."

"No, no, Keith, please. I'll do it and- and I won't cry this time. I promise. Please don't leave me." Keith shook his head, slamming the bedroom door behind him as he left.

I curled up into a ball on his bed, still exposed in only my boxers. I didn't have the energy to pick my clothes up off of the floor. I didn't even have the energy to move any more.

-

"Oh, love..." Keith murmured as his eyes laid upon my pathetic figure. I hadn't moved the entire hour he had been gone. I just felt oddly numb. "I got you something."

"I don't want it." I flinched dramatically as Keith placed an arm on my leg. He recoiled with a pained expression on his face. "You're going to give it to me and then you're going to expect me to do something in return. Like- Like have sex with you."

"No, that's not going to happen. I'm just giving it to you to say sorry for earlier. I never ever want to have sex with you without your consent, alright? I should have noticed that you didn't want it sooner." I didn't say anything so Keith took it upon himself to reach for my hand. He opened it up and placed a chocolate bar in my palm. "It isn't much and you deserve so much more as an apology but it's all I could get at this time."

"You shouldn't have got me anything. You should be punishing me."

"There isn't anything to punish you for. If you don't want to have sex, it's okay. I understand. You are allowed to say no."

"A-Am I?"

Keith's sympathetic smile faltered for a millisecond. If I blinked, I would have missed it. "Yes. You are _always_ allowed to say no."

-

Hunk and Pidge came over again a few days later. I opened the door and greeted them with a wide grin, directing them into the living room where Keith was sitting. "Do any of you want a drink?" I asked and Pidge's eyes widened beneath their glasses. She opened her mouth and closed it again a few times before actually speaking.

"I'll take some coffee if it's going."

"Of course. Hunk?"

"I'm okay, thanks." Hunk responded. Him and Pidge sat down in the spaces beside Keith. I headed into the kitchen and got out three mugs. Placing them onto the counter, I flicked on the kettle and prepared the drinks.

A couple of minutes later, I was holding onto the drinks and on the verge of spilling them everywhere. I walked as slowly as possible, inching my feet forward a millimetre at a time, before entering the living room again. They all stopped speaking as soon as they saw me. "What?" I uttered as I placed the cups down on their coasters. "It's like you were talking about me or something."

"Oh, we... weren't." Keith was the one to respond but he wouldn't meet my eyes. I frowned, sitting down on the other sofa.

"Sounds fake but okay."

Hunk chuckled and his smile appeared genuine. It made my stomach feel all fuzzy: I was happy he was happy. "You seem like you're a bit better. It's really nice to see, Lance."

I blinked. I fiddled with my hands in my lap but kept my gaze fixed on Hunk. "You think I'm better?"

"Last time you had a panic attack but you seem quite chilled out today. You're smiling a lot and much more talkative."

"You think?" A smile was creeping onto my face but I attempted to urge it away.

"Yeah, I do."

"Thanks..."

"I think you seem better too." Keith added. "You hardly flinch anymore and you haven't had a panic attack in a while." That time I couldn't tempt the smile away. I really had come so far in a short(ish) amount of time. "The important thing is whether you feel better though. Do you?"

"Now that I think about it, kind of."


	25. Chapter 25

I thought I was better. I wasn't stupid enough to think I was cured completely but I thought I was well on my way. Then things crashed and hit rock bottom all over again.

I had just been cuddled up on the sofa, watching an action movie with Keith. One moment, we were focused on the screen and, the next, we were kissing. The bit in between was all hazy so I didn't know who initiated it. Things were getting heated as he pulled me onto his lap and started to run his hands over my chest. I had mine tangled up in his long hair and was pulling at it whilst we kissed.

When we parted, we were breathing heavily. Keith glanced at me for a moment and we both got up. He slipped his hands into mine and dragged me to his room, the movie abandoned. He pushed me down onto his bed so he was on top of me and something in me just flipped.

The eyes that had once been so soft became evil and they merged into Lotor's. I completely froze, unable to even push Keith off of me. My breathing was frantic and my mind was racing fast. I couldn't speak, move or even blink. Keith caught on and pushed himself off of me, eyeing me amidst my panic.

When I was no longer beneath his body, I found it in me to move. I brought my legs up to my chest and buried my head into my knees to make myself as small as possible. I was a trembling mess as tears burned my eyes.

I thought I was better. I thought panic attacks were a thing of the past. I thought I could handle another relationship. I thought. I thought. I thought.

"Lance!" Keith yelled and I flinched dramatically.

I couldn't help the words that slipped out of my mouth. "Please- Please don't punish me. I'll take it. I'll do it just- just please don't punish me!"

"Lance..." He made the mistake of touching my knee. Jolting back, I started to hyperventilate.

"Please," Breath. "Don't," Breath. "Hurt," Breath. "Me."

"I won't, Lance. You know I won't. I'm Keith and I am not Lotor, alright? I'll wait. We can wait until you're ready. Even if we have to wait for a while. I want you to be comfortable."

I could practically feel Lotor's touch running up my front. Hands everywhere. In places they shouldn't have been. _I didn't want them to be there._

"Listen to me, you're safe. Nobody is going to hurt you, especially not me. You're in my apartment and I'm the only person here. I'm not going to do anything you don't consent to and I'm not going to punish you either."

His words were all fuzzy because of the static- _that stupid static_.

I scrunched my eyes shut and clasped my hands over my ears to fight that static. I wanted to listen to Keith; not that damn noise. "Can you tell me what you can see, love?"

Refusing to open my eyes, I murmured, "Black. Dots from the light."

"And hear?"

"Static. So much static. Make it go away-" A choked sob escaped my mouth. "I can hear you too."

"What can you smell?"

"Nothing. N-Nothing."

"Is it okay if I leave you for a second? I'll be really quick."

"Please don't leave me..."

"Two seconds, love. That's all."

"O-Okay." As Keith rushed out of the room, I had to remind myself that I trusted him. Keith wasn't going to come back and hurt me. I didn't know what he was doing but he wasn't going to hurt me and I knew that for sure.

"I'm here." I could hear him rustle so I peaked at him for a second. He had gotten that candle I had bought and a box of matches. I had completely forgotten I had even bought it.

He placed it down on the side and swiped the match against its box. It lit up and Keith leaned over, lighting the candle. He blew out the match and moved so he was lying beside me. He left a gap of about two centimetres between us which I appreciated. A lot.

It took a few silent moments for the scent to spread through the air but, once it was there, I felt much more relaxed. I uncurled myself from the ball and laid next to Keith so we were touching. Keith hesitantly wrapped an arm around me.

I buried my head into his chest, breathing in his scent. Citrus.

Maybe I wasn't completely cured- _would I ever be?_ But that was okay. I had been through more than some could ever imagine but I was still alive to tell the tale. I had fought the battle and, at that point in time, I was winning. With a firm grip on my weapon, I had life right up against the wall. A few more hits and some perseverance and I was going to be crowned the winner. Soon, I'd be able to hold up a trophy that said I had done it. I had survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this angst fest! I hope you enjoyed it! I'd just like to remind you (spon) I'm currently in the middle of uploading two other books: I Just Want To Be Someone and Love, Loss and Everything in Between so, if you like my writing, you can check those out! See you in my next boooook ^-^


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